Tagged siblings

Say Hello to My Little Friend: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

gift-1306852_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, where The Toddler is Al Pacino, The Baby is Kevin Costner, and everyone else is ‘Grandad’.

Presenting The Toddler:

1. On ‘say hello to my little friend’

The Toddler is waving her cutlery around and talking to it: ‘They can be friends. Hello, friends.’
Silly Mummy giggles, and starts quoting The Inbetweeners to Silly Daddy: ‘Ooh, friends, cutlery friends!’
The Toddler, meanwhile, has her own quote, suddenly yelling: ‘Say hello to my little…’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy stare at each other. She surely can’t be about to entirely inadvertently quote Scarface?
‘…Dominoes!’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy collapse in hysterics. So near, and yet so…dominoes.

2. On the purple one

The Toddler has a question: ‘Can you tell me about the purple one?’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure what The Toddler is talking about, and asks for some simple clarification: ‘What’s the purple one? What does it look like?’
The Toddler has got this: ‘It’s green. And it looks a bit like red.’ Oh. That purple one.

3. On mixed emotions

The Toddler is feeling a bit conflicted: ‘I really like this, but I really don’t like it so much.’

4. On presents

The Toddler is counting tea cups from her tea set with Silly Daddy. She is deliberately doing it wrongly. Silly Daddy informs her that she can have a present if she does it properly. The Toddler counts the cups properly. She awaits her present. Silly Daddy presents her with…the tea cups. The Toddler sighs and rolls her eyes: ‘You tricked me!’ She approaches Silly Daddy, holding out the tea cups. Presumably, she is returning the trick gift? Apparently not: ‘Can you wrap them?’

5. On The Baby, Kevin Costner

The Toddler likes to keep The Baby gainfully employed. Today, The Baby is apparently The Toddler’s bodyguard: ‘You have to stay with me, The Baby. It’s very dangerous out there, so you’ll have to keep an eye on me.’

6. On playing with Silly Daddy

Silly Daddy is tidying away toys. The Toddler and The Baby are ‘helping’. The Toddler comes to report to Silly Mummy in the kitchen: ‘Mummy, we are playing something with Daddy!’
‘Really? What are you playing?’
The Toddler considers: ‘Well…we’ve got no toys…’ When you put it like that, this sounds like the worst game ever.

7. On eating dinner

Silly Daddy is trying to get The Toddler to finish her dinner: ‘You have to eat your vegetables.’
The Toddler has a better idea: ‘Okay, you can eat the rest of it and I’ll watch.’

8. On the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe

Silly Mummy is reading the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe nursery rhyme to The Toddler. The Toddler is scandalised at the old lady’s actions: ‘Sent them to bed?! Outrageous!’

9. On noise

The Toddler is yelling at Silly Mummy: ‘THIS IS NOT ACTUAL NOISY! THIS IS PRETENDING NOISY!’ We need to work on the definition of ‘pretend’. And ‘noise’.

10. On playing nicely

The Toddler and The Baby are busy. The Toddler informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m playing a game with The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Well, that’s nice. What game are you playing?’
‘Throwing things at her.’
Well, that’s not nice.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Silly Family are visiting Grandma. So are Auntie and Baby Cousin. The Baby sometimes doesn’t know people’s names, but she has a ‘fit all’ name that she knows will always get her out of trouble. Auntie is leaving the room. The Baby watches her go: ‘Where’s Grandad gone?’ Yep, social etiquette 101: if you forget someone’s name, you can’t go wrong with ‘Grandad’.

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

 
 

ethannevelyn

The Toddler West

Gird_block_tombstoneIf toddler settlers have arrived at your house, you are probably experiencing frontier expansion. Like the frontiersmen of the Wild West, Toddler settlers believe in Manifest Destiny. Everything is theirs, just waiting for them to stake their claim. As such, toddler frontiersmen push forward, seizing rooms and property from the native parents of the house. Welcome to the Toddler West.

 
1. Cat Drives

In a similar, though not entirely identical, endeavour to that of the settlers of the Wild West, toddler frontiersmen frequently engage in cat driving (no, that isn’t written wrongly). Toddler cowboys (catboys), riding broomsticks, make valiant attempts to herd the cat into the frontier lands. Cat herding, however, is a difficult job. The cats, taking refuge behind the sofa, often have to be left behind as the quest for new settlements continues.

Some extremely foolish toddler settlers set themselves up as cat rustlers. Attempts to rustle cats who have already been subjected to toddler herding are not advisable.

 
2. The Gold Rush

The gold rush is as popular with toddler settlers as it was with the settlers of the West. Transient communities of toddlers spring up around shiny items. These communities are greed driven and prone to violence. Once the shiny items reserves have been depleted (eaten/lost under the sofa), the settlements are deserted. The toddlers move on to the next room, leaving a ghost town – littered with the remnants of toddler life (Lego, mostly) – in the living room.

 
3. Tending the Land

In the early days of the West, frontiersmen tended to farm their land poorly, abandoning settlements once the land was ruined. Toddler settlers employ similar methods, destroying rooms and moving on.

 
4. Law and Order

Toddler frontier settlements, like those of the Wild West, are often lawless. Parental sheriffs frequently lack authority in the face of toddlers armed with an abundance of weapons (Lego, mostly).

All toddlers settlers are, of course, outlaws. Toddlers have never heard a rule they can’t ignore. Seriously, they never heard a rule. They were shouting at the time.

The frequency of duelling and brawling in the Wild West is often suggested to have been exaggerated. The frequency of duelling and brawling in toddler frontier settlements has not been exaggerated.

Toddler highwaymen are a constant threat to baby siblings carrying treasure (Lego, mostly).

The bandits of the Wild West frequently robbed banks and trains. Toddler bandits take train robbery very literally, making off with the whole train (bonus points if a sibling was playing with it at the time).

 
5. Disease

Much like the settlers of the American West, toddler frontiersmen have an unfortunate habit of transmitting disease to the native occupants (parents) of their settled lands.

 
6. Squatters

As in the Wild West, Squatters are rife on the toddler frontier. Toddler squatters are commonly found in parents’ bedrooms, on the living room floor at bedtime, and in bathrooms other people are trying to use.

 
7. Gunslinging

The gunslingers of the Wild West have their parallels in the dangerous raisinslingers of the Toddler West. Raisinslingers stalk the toddler streets, brandishing boxes of raisins. With their quick draw and keen aim, raisinslingers are able riddle entire rooms with their small, squishy bullets.

 
8. Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral

The settlement of Toddlerstone is, of course, known for the notorious Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral. The famed toddler stand off left multiple toddlers pretending to have been turned into frogs.

 
 

Mumzilla

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

Toddler Interior Design Tips

Toddler Interior Design ImageIn the first article of our new lifestyle section*, we are telling you how you too can achieve that quintessential ‘small children live here’ home, with 15 tried and tested toddler interior design tips.

(*We don’t have a new lifestyle section.)

 
 
The Style

1. The key look is chaotic chic. No, not chic…what’s that other word? Mess.

2. Clean, uncluttered spaces are not what we are going for. In a properly designed room, occupants should stub their toes twice and trip over five times for every square metre of floor space.

 
Feng Shui

3. Feng shui is very important. The idea is that the location and arrangement of items affects the feel and energy of the room. The arrangement to aim for here is everything you can find piled on top of each other in one tiny space. The feel this should give to the room is ‘precarious’.

 
Decorating

4. Mismatched walls are very in. This should be achieved by crayoning on random areas with random colours. Mismatched sofas are not, however, in. They should therefore be crayoned too, in order to blend with the walls.

5. Inject some texture and pattern into the room by leaving greasy fingerprints and crushed raisins everywhere.

6. Stickers (preferably of Peppa pig) are a great way to rejuvenate any room. Liberal application of mostly torn stickers on every single surface will give the place a completely new look.

 
Furniture

7. Throw cushions are a vital addition to the quota of soft furnishings. These are primarily to be used to surround oneself entirely, thus forming a ‘house’ (it is important to design multiple impromptu ‘houses’ within your actual house). Alternatively, they may be placed on the floor as padding for various furniture jumping pursuits. Which leads us on to…

8. Furniture should be as dangerous as possible. However, it should not be obviously so. The key here is to find ways of making perfectly innocuous furniture highly dangerous. Be inventive.

 
Features

9. It is important to have a strong feature in a room. An artfully arranged younger sibling squished into a corner is ideal. The sibling display should be kept in place by sitting on it.

10. A water feature is a nice touch, and can be cheaply & effectively achieved by overturning a free flow cup on the edge of a coffee table.

 
Storage and Organisation

11. The ideal place to keep everything is blocking the doors.

12. A great space saving tip is that beds and bookcases do not need to be separate items. Simply pile all of your books into your bed and then sleep on them.

13. Cupboards and drawers are design features only: they are not to be used. The contents of cupboards and drawers are best placed on the floor.

 
The Little Touches

14. It is good to have Lego sprinkled about liberally. This adds colour, texture and a generous dash of pain to your environment.

15. It is important that there is a lived in feel to the home, to avoid a cold, sterile atmosphere. This is best achieved by breaking as many ornaments and pieces of furniture as possible.

That’s Bonkers: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-215867_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and we’re a little bonkers (but all the best people are). This week, The Toddler would like you to stop fussing, while The Baby would like it to be known that this post is hers, not yours.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, too fussy

The Toddler has decided to pour her water onto her toast to ‘cool it down’. Silly Mummy objects to this plan of action. The Toddler thinks Silly Mummy is overreacting: ‘Oh Mummy, stop fussing, Mummy! I always pour water.’ (She does not in fact always pour water on her toast. This idea has not been trialed before.)

2. On Silly Mummy’s suggestions, bonkers

Silly Mummy has made a suggestion that The Toddler has some doubts about. Doubts that she subtly voices: ‘That’s bonkers!’

3. On cleaning the bathroom

The Toddler likes Silly Mummy to do cleaning and tidying in the bathroom while she has a bath. She is in her bath: ‘Mummy, can you do the cleaning?’
Silly Mummy knows her place: ‘Yes, I’ll get right on to it.’
The Toddler nods, and picks up her duck: ‘And I’ll get right on to toys.’
Silly Mummy can’t help but feel that she has drawn the short straw here in the division of labour. Nonetheless, the cleaning and tidying is started. A short while later, Silly Mummy declares: ‘Right, I’ve finished the cleaning.’
The Toddler looks around: ‘You need to do it again.’

4. On being angry

Silly Mummy has told The Toddler she can’t do something, and The Toddler is not happy: ‘I’m very, very angry, and I’m going to throw Mummy away!’

5. On changing her mind

The Toddler has been asked to come to the bathroom. Halfway there, she changes her mind and suddenly stops, announcing: ‘I think not.’ With that, The Toddler marches back to the living room.

6. On making tea

The Toddler has made Silly Mummy a nice (*ahem*) cup of tea: ‘Mummy, I’ve just made you a cup of tea…and there’s a scrambled egg in it. But it’s a bit dirty.’

7. On being informed

Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to see if The Baby wants to eat her dinner. The Toddler reports back: ‘She’s been formed into me, no.’ (Silly Mummy thinks that’s ‘informed me’.)

8. On her day, not good

The Toddler has received some bad news. She is not allowed to pour bath water all over the bathroom. She admonishes Silly Mummy, the bearer of this news: ‘I’m not having a good day with you, Mummy.’

9. On dealing with estate agents

The Toddler is ‘helping’ the estate agent who is at the house. By talking to him incessantly while he tries to get on with his job. Silly Mummy attempts to intervene: ‘The Toddler, can you go and watch Ben and Holly, please?’
The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘No, I’m just dealing with something. You watch Ben and Holly.’

10. On Abney and Teal, bonking

Silly Mummy enters the living room, to be confronted by The Toddler shouting, ‘Mummy, are they bonking? Are they bonking?’ Erm, what?! Hasty investigation from Silly Mummy establishes that The Toddler is talking about Abney and Teal on CBeebies. Who are bouncing. Bouncing.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has learnt the phrase ‘mine, not yours’ (Silly Mummy can’t imagine who she might have learnt that from). She is now in the toy aisle at the supermarket, chatting with other children. Okay, not chatting, exactly. More waiting until they touch a toy, and then pointing her finger at them and yelling: ‘Mine, not yours!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

My Random Musings

The Egg Hunt

easter-nest-1162973_1920Girls, would you like to do an egg hunt? You would? Okay, Mummy will hide these eggs around the living room, and then you can come and look for them. You go out into the corridor with Daddy while Mummy hides eggs. No, don’t look at what Mummy’s doing, stay out there with Daddy. No, The Baby, Mummy’s hiding things – go back to Daddy. No, put that down, The Baby. Go back to Daddy. Good girl. No looking, either of you.

Okay, Mummy has hidden the eggs, you can come back into the living room now, and…No, wait a minute, Mummy is still talking. Come here. Here are your bags – put your eggs in here when you find them…No, wait a minute. There are five eggs each. Okay, go and look. See if you can find them.

Well done, The Toddler. Put that in your bag. The Baby, The Toddler has found an egg over here. Do you think there’s one for you too? Come and look. No, The Toddler, let The Baby look. Come on, The Baby, what’s over here? The Toddler, let The Baby look! Well done, The Baby. Put that in your bag.

Okay, let’s see if The Baby can find where some eggs are hidden. No, The Toddler, let The Baby look first this time. The Baby, where would you like to look? Perhaps you would like to look here, The Baby? No, here. Lie down here and look under there. Not you, The Toddler. Lie down, The Baby. Look under here. No, here. No, look this way. Oh, well done, The Baby. Put that in your bag. Can you see one too, The Toddler? Well done.

Okay, The Toddler’s turn to look for where the eggs are hiding. Where could they be? You already looked there, didn’t you? Shall we look somewhere you haven’t looked? No, that’s the same place. Let’s try somewhere completely different. How about here? Yes, just here. Oh, you found an egg – imagine that! Can you find an egg too, The Baby? Yes, that’s Peppa Pig. Can you see an egg? The Baby? Put down Peppa. Here, look: here’s your egg. Put it in your bag.

Where would you like to look for an egg now, The Baby? The Baby, where are you going? Come back: we’re looking for eggs! Not you, The Toddler, it’s the baby’s turn. Oh, you found one. Okay. Let’s see if The Baby can find the other one, then. No, let her look. No, let The Ba…Never mind. Put that in The Baby’s bag for her.

Okay, girls, let’s find the last pair of eggs. Where could they be? You already looked there, The Toddler. Try somewhere else. Yes, The Baby, those are eggs. But they’re in your bag – you already found those ones. Shall we look over here? Just here. Right here. Shall we look in this teapot? This teapot here. Shall we look at these eggs right here? These eggs. The ones I’m holding out. These might be the eggs. I’ll put them in your bags. Well done, you found all the eggs. Wasn’t that fun?

We Have a Problem: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where The Toddler is arranging sight-seeing trips and lamenting having the wrong head. Meanwhile, in her corner, The Baby has developed an unintentional attitude.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On problems, urgent Baby assistance required
The Toddler is on the phone. She is phoning The Baby. The Baby is in her castle, on the other side of the room, obviously. Apparently, there is an emergency situation for The Baby to deal with: ‘The Baby, come quick! We have a problem…Someone has done something.’ Yes, sometimes The Toddler’s dramatic streak starts something it can’t finish. In a testament to The Baby’s willingness to assist her sister, she actually does come running for that rather vague anti-climax.

2. On being Snow White, not having the right head
The Toddler is dressed in her Snow White costume, but she has identified a problem with it: ‘I’m looking like Snow White, but I haven’t got a Snow White head!’

3. On The Baby’s food, eating it
Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are at a cafe. The Toddler and The Baby are sharing a sandwich. However, The Baby is currently asleep, and her part is waiting for her. The Toddler has finished her own share and is now eyeing up The Baby’s share. As the sandwich was cut into three pieces originally, Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can eat The Baby’s half of the third piece (The Baby rarely eats as much as The Toddler anyway). The Toddler approves of this decision: ‘I’m sure The Baby won’t mind.’ The Toddler subsequently relents, and feels like she should leave a bit for The Baby: ‘The Baby can have a tiny little bit. That’s for The Baby.’ The Toddler sets aside the tiniest imaginable piece. Then she picks it up again and eats half of the tiny piece. She puts the remaining morsel back on the plate, before reaching for it once more: ‘Try a bit more of it.’ She eats the rest of The Baby’s tiny share. The Baby is apparently not getting her tiny little bit. The Baby is going to be lucky to get any sandwich at all, as The Toddler points at the remaining third of the sandwich – The Baby’s share – and declares: ‘That one’s for me!’

4. On her new single
The Toddler is thrilled to reveal her new single to the world: ‘So, what I’m going to sing is a new one. It’s called Going on the Step.’ As it turns out, this is less of a song and more of an interpretative dance, as The Toddler promptly (and silently) runs off to the step.

5. On castle building
The Toddler has plans, but she is not entirely confident about them: ‘I’m going to build a big castle. But I’m not very good at these things. But I can try.’

6. On anyone, not there
The Toddler is on the phone, but it appears no one else is: ”Hello? Is anyone there? No. Anyone isn’t there.’

7. On knowing what she’s doing
The Toddler is rushing up the stairs, and Silly Mummy warns her to be careful. The Toddler pooh poohs Silly Mummy’s concerns: ‘I will be careful. I know what I’m doing.’

8. On Lady Mummy
Silly Mummy has a new name, apparently. The Toddler dashes over: ‘Hi, Lady. Lady, what can I do for you? Thanks, bye, Lady!’

9. On toast, no time to lose
Silly Mummy has just informed The Toddler that her toast is ready. This is something The Toddler takes very seriously: ‘The toast is ready! Quick! No time to lose!’

10. On sight-seeing
The Toddler is trying to arrange a sight-seeing trip for The Baby: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s go and look at the view.’ The Baby seems underwhelmed. Possibly because the ‘view’ The Toddler is excitedly encouraging The Baby to come an inspect is…the sofa.

 
The Baby’s Corner
The Toddler is refusing to eat her dinner. Silly Daddy wants her to eat her dinner: ‘The Toddler, take a bite.’
The Baby wants to join in. She wants to take a bite. She nearly gets it right: ‘Bite me!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Toddler Art (Toddler Lessons: Part Three)

256px-Claude_Monet,_Impression,_soleil_levant Part Three of my series in Toddler Lessons is Toddler Art.

 
Toddlers love art, and they have a surprisingly sophisticated grasp on a wide range of artistic styles and techniques. Here are ten, as demonstrated by toddler artists.

 
1. Abstract Art

(Art that is not representative of reality or recognisable images.)

 
Abstract art is the primary style of the toddler artist. That yellow squiggle represents ‘Mummy, a mermaid and my sandwich’, mostly because toddler artists feel compelled to give an answer when asked what their squiggle is a picture of. Toddlers actually take the concept of abstraction beyond the confines of art, and can often be seen applying it as a general approach to life, sometimes spending entire days at a time engaging in activities with no connection to reality.

 
2. Baroque

(An artistic style that used exaggerated motion and clear detail to create grandeur, drama and tension.)

 
Toddlers usually work in the Baroque style when creating art on walls and furniture, using exaggerated motion and clear, grandiose scribbles to effectively create drama and tension when the masterpiece is discovered by a parent.

 
3. Composition

(The placement or arrangement of visual elements in a work of art.)

 
Toddler artists can be identified by their unique take on composition. Toddlers like to arrange all visual elements in their artwork on top of each other in a tiny space, not quite on the corner of the paper, leaving the rest of the page blank.

 
4. Surrealism

(Works feature an element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequiturs.)

 
Surrealism features very heavily in toddler artwork. Particularly when the artwork appears on the cat.

 
5. Colour Theory

(Guidance to colour mixing and the visual effects of a specific colour combination.)

 
In toddler art, colour theory is the belief that the visual effect of any piece of art can be substantially improved by the specific colour combination of liberally adding black over the top of everything else.

 
6. Portrait Painting

(Paintings intended to depict a human subject.)

 
Toddler portrait paintings are slightly different, being intended not so much to depict a human subject as to appear on a human subject.

 
7. Impressionism

(Focus on the impression created by the overall visual effects, instead of details.)

 
For toddlers, an impressionist work is a beautiful and intricate piece of art etched into the dining room table whilst the toddler was giving the impression of drawing on their paper.

 
8. Minimalism

(A style using pared-down design elements.)

 
Toddlers are minimalist geniuses, so much so that they can turn any piece of artwork into a minimalist masterpiece. A picture of a cat and some flowers, carefully drawn by Mummy for the toddler to colour in, for example, can be transformed into a minimalist study in blue, by the simple application of heavy and indiscriminate scribbling in blue crayon across the whole page. Such is a toddler’s commitment to minimalism that entire weeks can be spent agreeing to colour only in orange. The ultimate toddler exercise in minimalism is, of course, the careful colouring of a white sheet of paper in white crayon.

 
9. Expressionism

(Representation of the world from a subjective perspective, distorting it for emotional effect to evoke moods or ideas.)

 
Toddlers sometimes like to use expressionism to colour on baby siblings, representing the subjective perspective that it is highly amusing to colour on baby siblings, and evoking moods of annoyance (parents) and confusion (baby sibling), and the idea that all pens should be removed from the house.

 
10. Conceptual Art

(The idea or concept is the most important aspect of the work, over and above traditional aesthetic concerns. Conceptual art is said to question the nature of art.)

 
Like Tracey Emin’s work, much toddler art work leads firstly to confused whispering. ‘Is this art?’ ‘What is this meant to be?’ Followed by ultimately fruitless questioning of the artist, which leaves no one any the wiser. As conceptual art, toddler art is quite brilliant: the nature of art can consider itself questioned.

 
 

(Please Note: As always, no educational value should be inferred in the contents of this post. I don’t know a Monet from a Manet. Mind you, no one knows Monet from Manet, do they?)

 
 

You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here.

‘Mummy, There’s Something Wrong With The Baby!’

The (Alleged) Incident

Silly Mummy has popped upstairs with some laundry that has come out of the dryer, leaving The Toddler and The Baby playing in the living room.

The Toddler is standing at the stairgate at the bottom of the stairs, yelling, ‘Mummy, there’s something wrong with The Baby! She needs help!’ Nothing can be heard from The Baby.

 
The Possibilities

1. The Baby is choking
Against: The Baby does not have any food.
For: Not everything The Baby chooses to ‘eat’ is food.
Likelihood: 30%

2. The Baby has fallen off something
Against: Completely silently, without so much as a bang on impact.
Likelihood: 5%

3. The Baby has got stuck
For: The Baby does like to get into everything. There is a chance she is in a drawer. Or upside down behind the sofa.
Against: And has lost her voice so that she can’t mention this herself?
Likelihood: 70%

4. The Baby is unconscious
For: She has been ill. Perhaps she’s had a sudden attack.
Against: She only has a bad cold. Can you have a sudden attack of a cold?
Likelihood: 10%

5. The Toddler has trapped The Baby’s fingers in something
For: The Toddler does do this often.
Against: The Baby usually mentions it herself. Quite vocally.
Likelihood: 15%

6. The Baby has had a nappy related incident
For: Always a possibility.
Against: The Baby is usually more concerned about nappy incidents than The Toddler. In this event, The Baby would probably be at the bottom of the stairs herself, hollering, ‘Mummy, poo!’
Likelihood: 50%

7. The Toddler has sat on The Baby, and The Baby is dazed and confused
For: This hasn’t happened yet (that is to say, The Toddler has sat on The Baby, but has yet to daze her), but it seems like something that could happen.
Likelihood: 80%

8. The Baby is fine
Likelihood: 98%

 
The Action

Silly Mummy runs downstairs.

 
The Discovery

The Baby is sitting on the sofa, holding a teddy bear. She looks bemused, but does not appear to be in need of assistance.

 
Potential Conclusions

1. The Toddler is a drama queen/fibber.

2. The Toddler thought Silly Mummy could use some exercise, and knows stair running is very good for bums and thighs.

3. If this is The Toddler’s reaction to The Baby having a sit down with a teddy bear, it is probably safe to assume that she is not going to keep it together come the zombie apocalypse.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

Where’s Daddy Gone: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, technically The Ten Funniest Things The Toddlers Said Last Week, as The Baby is putting in an appearance.

Silly Mummy presents The Toddler/The Baby:

1. On being Bruce Forsyth
The Toddler is talking to The Baby in the bath: ‘Haven’t you had a lovely time, The Baby?’ Yes, The Toddler is Bruce Forsyth.

2. On Little Red Riding Hood, not a shoplifter
The Toddler is pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood. Apparently, The Toddler’s Little Red Riding Hood has been suspected of shop lifting, and is keen to set the record straight. The Toddler puts a giant muslin on her head (as her hood, obviously), and marches off towards the door: ‘Hello, Grandma, I’ve got some food for you. I paid for it first.’

3. On what happens when the yoghurt is finished
The Toddler has finished her yogurt, and has a truly masterful grasp on all that entails: ‘All done now. No more eating it for me.’ (Gifted, you say? Why, thank you. It doesn’t seem presumptuous to say Mensa is being considered.)

4. On the pantomime
The Toddler has been having flashbacks again. This time to the pantomime she saw before Christmas: ‘When I was at pantomime, I saw Snow White. And Snow White was ill. And TV* was broken. And I clapped. And I said ‘boo’ to Evil Queen. And Evil Queen spun around. Woo. Mr Maker was her friend.’ Quite accurate, actually.

(*She means the magic mirror.)

 
5. On polite enquiries
Silly Mummy drops a bottle of shampoo in the bathroom. The Toddler, who has been raised extremely well, don’t you know, takes a (very) polite interest: ‘My darling, what did you do, darling?’

6. On the cat, not having a balloon
The Toddler has mastered the art of ‘because I said so’. The cat has been eyeing up her balloon, The Toddler is stern: ‘It’s my balloon, Cat. You can’t have it cos you can’t have it.’

7. On the monster, lost
The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy, looking sheepish: ‘Mummy, I’ve got a problem. I’ve lost the monster. Can you help me find him?’ Silly Mummy wasn’t actually aware that there was a monster, but it seems a reasonable request. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to lose one monster can be considered a misfortune. Though, if she loses another, it will start to look like carelessness, and Silly Mummy will have to put her foot down.

8. On the best film for her
The Toddler is picking a film to watch. Silly Mummy says, ‘We’ve got How to Train Your Dragon, or shall we look for Kung Fu Panda?’
The Toddler knows what’s right for her: ‘No, I think dragon will be best for me.’

9. On giraffes, dog-like
The Baby likes to call all animals dogs at the moment. She presents Silly Mummy with a wooden giraffe: ‘Dog!’
Silly Mummy futilely corrects her: ‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
‘Dog!’
‘Giraffe.’
The Baby decides to give Silly Mummy a break. She smiles sweetly: ‘Giraffe-dog!’

10. On Silly Daddy, leaving
Silly Daddy is off to work. The Baby has decided she is not in the mood for long goodbyes this morning. She is literally showing Silly Daddy the door. Standing in the entrance way she points: ‘Door! Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy is still saying goodbye to The Toddler. The Baby impatiently waves goodbye: ‘Daddy, door!’ Silly Daddy finally leaves. As he shuts the door, The Baby turns to Silly Mummy, looking surprised: ‘Where’s Daddy gone?’ Well, he was unceremoniously booted out of the house, The Baby. By you.

 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Slogans for World War Terrible Twos

Do you ever feel like you’re engaged in toddler warfare? World War Terrible Twos? Help is at hand.

In a war, you need slogans. For public safety and morale, and all that jazz. Now, of course, in this war, no one has time to be coming up with slogans, because…caring for/restraining toddlers here. Fortunately, there is no need to create our own. Many years ago there was a little toddler tyrant who failed to grow out of the terrible twos, leading to Churchill’s government kindly generating a slew of war slogans that can be conveniently amended to address the toddler threat.

Keep_Calm_And_Carry_On_-_Original_poster_-_Barter_Books_-_17-Oct-2011From http://earthstation1.simplenet.com

 
 
Parents of Britain, here are World War Two propaganda slogans tweaked a little to get you through World War Terrible Twos.

 
1. Careless talk costs lives (You never know who’s listening)

Repetitive talk* costs time. So much time. (Absolutely no one’s listening.)

(*’Where’s Daddy gone? Where’s Daddy gone? Where’s Daddy gone? Where’s cat gone?’)

 
2. Dig for Victory

Dig for your keys/phone/other vitally important items. In the sandpit/garden/Lego/poo (if you really lucked out).

 
3. Put that light OUT

Put that cat DOWN!

 
4. Coughs and sneezes spread diseases

Coughs and sneezes and toddlers spread diseases

 
5. Up housewives and at ’em

Up parents and at ’em…it’s 4am!

 
6. V for Victory

‘V for…bus!’
‘Yes, it looks a bit like a bus, doesn’t it? But it’s a van. It’s like a big car. Van. V for…’
‘Bus!’

 
7. Mothers, send them out of London

Mothers, send them out of this restaurant. Janet Street Porter is trying to eat, and she doesn’t want to see your children.

 
8. Fighting Fit

Fighting bedtime, mealtimes, siblings, parents, coats, the cat.

 
9. Furtive Fritz is always listening: be careful what you say

Furtive toddler is always listening: be careful what you say. That word will be repeated. In the library. Or to the Health Visitor.

 
10. Women of Britain: come into the factories

Parents of Britain: come into the soft play.

 
11. Your country needs YOU

Your toddler needs you to give them biscuits. NOW.

 
12. We beat ’em before, we’ll do it again

We put jam on the cat before, we’ll do it again.

 
13. Look out in the blackout

‘Look out The Baby is right in front of you! No, right there! Right th…Yes, she’s crying. You stood on her.’

 
14. Keep calm and carry on

Keep calm and carry raisins.

 
15. Make do and mend

Make tea and cry.

 
 
Finally, Parents of Britain, remember: always be alert…your toddler is in the sudocrem.

 
 
BritMumsI am very excited to have been shortlisted in the ‘Writer’ category in the BiB Awards. If you’ve heard of my blog, like my blog, don’t want to vote for someone else in my category, aren’t sick of people asking, and have a minute to spare, I would love your vote! You can vote here.

We’re All Mad Here

alice-in-wonderland-276452_1280The Toddler and The Baby are playing house. Theirs is a rather unconventional household. Silly Mummy suspects it is located down a rabbit hole. All ways here are The Toddler’s way (though The Baby is more likely than The Toddler to try to take someone’s head off, probably with a toy bus). The Toddler is usually rushing somewhere for no particular reason. The Baby is often hiding, revealing just a cheeky grin. Care given to baby dolls has probably been learnt from the Duchess: fling it around a bit, shout, and then throw it at someone else. There is usually a tea party. It may have been going on for some days. The chances of anyone receiving any actual tea are slim. There is at least one person wearing a silly hat at any given time. Everyone will be asked obscure, unsolvable riddles. And, if there ever were any jam tarts, they have definitely been stolen and eaten by The Toddler (while The Baby runs behind yelling ‘bit’ in a hopeful voice). Certainly everyone is mad here.

Morning in the Toddler-Baby house has started in a traditional manner. The Baby has offered The Toddler a cup of tea. Well, she hasn’t exactly offered a cup of tea, so much as sat by the stairgate minding her own business. Nonetheless, The Toddler has informed her: ‘I won’t have a cup of tea, thank you, The Baby. I think I’ll have a cup of coffee instead. And a biccy.’ Despite The Baby’s complete inactivity on the coffee making front, The Toddler surprisingly receives her coffee and biscuits from the confused Baby Servant, and thanks her accordingly.

Coffee consumed, The Toddler sets about her chores for the day. These mostly seem to involve moving around her ‘demidifier’ (dehumidifier). That would be a toy hammer from her tool belt to everyone else.

Meanwhile, according to The Toddler, The Baby is now doing her work. The Baby obediently wanders off to stand by the door, where her work is apparently located. Being an International Baby of Mystery, The exact nature of The Baby’s work remains unknown. Though it does seem to involve a lot of asking, ‘Where’s cat gone?’

During a raisin break for The Baby, The Toddler engages in some shoe fitting, which does not go down too well. Frankly, The Baby does not want to try on pretend glass slippers to see if they fit while she is trying to eat raisins. She is even less impressed when The Toddler starts trying to get pretend ‘glass wellies’ to fit her. The Baby is not sure what kind of a prince sends a toddler with a glass welly around the maidens of the kingdom, but she is not marrying him.

Having dealt with the humidity, and the glass slippers/wellies, The Toddler has some writing to do. She sets about her correspondence with a toy chisel. Perhaps The Toddler and The Baby are cavemen. That might explain The Baby’s job. She’s hunting a sabre toothed tiger for their tea – ‘where’s cat gone’ was actually a reasonable description.

Unfortunately, the harmony of the Toddler-Baby household is shattered when they both attempt to sit on the same seat, and fall on the floor. The Baby declares that she will no longer not make The Toddler coffee. The Toddler threatens to ‘demidify’ The Baby.* They retire to different corners to fling themselves on the floor. Off with their heads!

(*These were not their actual words, but were implied in the glaring, shoving and howling.)

My Goodness: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

In this week’s edition of the Ten Funniest Things feature, we will be unimpressed by firework show offs, unconvinced by the shopping basket’s attempts to be a baseball kit, and wondering what on earth The Baby thinks is happening.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On shopping baskets, not good baseball kits
The Toddler is holding her toy shopping basket when suddenly she announces, ‘I don’t think it’s a baseball kit. Think it might be shopping basket.’ Silly Mummy thinks she may have a point, but was unaware the shopping basket had been suspected of being a baseball kit. A couple of minutes later The Toddler declares, ‘I’m not very well.’
Silly Mummy asks, ‘What’s the matter?’
The Toddler holds up her shopping basket: ‘This baseball kit’s not very good.’

2. On drawing, strange requests
The Toddler is doing some colouring. She requires Silly Mummy’s help: ‘Can you draw my trumps?’ A quick investigation reveals that there is a trumpet on The Toddler’s picture that she would like Silly Mummy to colour in. This is a relief, as Silly Mummy was not feeling equal to the task of trying to draw The Toddler’s trumps.

3. On bruises, wash off
Silly Mummy is inspecting a bruise that has been found on The Toddler’s foot. The Toddler is unconcerned: ‘Don’t worry about it. We’ll give it a wash.’

4. On long days
The Toddler leads a busy life, and sometimes she feels it: ‘It’s been a long day, hasn’t it? Long day after walk.’

5. On stickers
The Toddler is doing her sticker book, an activity that seems to be a source of a surprising level of wonder today: ‘My goodness! Look at those!’

6. On being a witch
The Toddler has put her (cylindrical) Lego storage container on her head. It falls right down over her face. Her little voice emanates from within, providing very matter of fact clarification of the situation: ‘So…I’m a witch.’

7. On Rapunzel
The Toddler is watching Tangled. Rapunzel is in a pickle, and The Toddler is wondering how she will ever get out of it. She very thoughtfully says, ‘What is she to do?’

8. On being a Bond villain
The Toddler is asking Silly Mummy for something, but Silly Mummy can’t hear her from the other room. Silly Mummy comes into the living room: ‘What were you asking for?’
Apparently, The Toddler has forgotten. She replies, ‘I don’t know. Let me see.’ Whilst stroking her face in her best Bond villain impersonation.

9. On fireworks, showing off
The Sillies are attending a firework display. The Toddler remains unsure how she feels about fireworks. In an effort to convince her, Silly Daddy points at one of the squiggly ones: ‘Isn’t that pretty?’
The Toddler feels that the fireworks are frankly showing off: ‘A bit much.’

10. On running without purpose*
The Toddler is repeatedly running from one end of the room to the other, for no apparent reason. The Baby is waddling about in her wake, trying to keep up. Silly Mummy asks, ‘Why are you running, The Toddler?’
The Toddler pants, ‘I don’t know!’ Well, of course not. Why would she?
Raising some questions about what exactly she thinks is going on, The Baby yells, ‘Where’s duck?’

(*Incidentally, this is The Toddler’s Native American name.)

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner
Week 23: I Resent to You

Woof: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and this week there is also a word (literally) from William Wallace, sorry, The Baby.

First, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On ears, not safe
Silly Mummy touches The Toddler’s ear, apparently a more dangerous activity than it appears, as The Toddler yells, ‘Don’t touch it! It’s not safe!’ She does not expand upon exactly why her ear is not safe.

2. On the Tooth Fairy
The Baby is very insistently offering The Toddler a leaflet that came through the door and is now The Baby’s most prized possession. The Toddler is ignoring her eager little sister, so Silly Mummy explains that The Baby would like The Toddler to take her leaflet because she is trying to be nice. The Toddler catches on and takes the leaflet: ‘You give that to me? Thank you, The Baby.’ As is usually the way with small children, of course, The Baby only wanted to loan her prized possession to The Toddler. She is now looking hopefully at The Toddler. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like to give the leaflet back to The Baby now. The Toddler would not: ‘Not going to have it back. It’s my Tooth Fairy.’ Of course it is. Bloody Peppa Pig and her Tooth Fairy letters.

3. On Mary Poppins, summarising
The Toddler has just got to the end of Mary Poppins (again). As Mary flies off with her umbrella, The Toddler summarises the situation: ‘Mary Poppins she’s got to go and see more children. She’s got to go and fly a kite with her bag.’ Yes, that seems to about cover the end of Mary Poppins, if not correct kite flying techniques.

4. On Labyrinth, also summarising
Other films The Toddler has a perfect grasp of include Labyrinth (which Silly Daddy is inexplicably convinced any two year old would want to see): ‘Where’s the baby? We can’t find it!’ David Bowie appears, The Toddler exclaims: ‘What’s that?’

5. On distrac…fluff
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are engaged in a serious conversation, not that Silly Mummy can remember what it is about, as The Toddler seems to have led the discussion firmly down the path labelled distraction: ‘And then…Oh a bit of fluff there. Just a bit of fluff. It’s there. I get rid of it. It’s gone now.’ (As is everyone’s train of thought.)

6. On porridge, apologising for
The Toddler has been asking Silly Mummy for porridge. Silly Mummy is about to make The Toddler some food, and seeks to confirm whether porridge is still desired: ‘Do you still want to have porridge?’
The Toddler appears to feel Silly Mummy’s question implies porridge making is a particularly onerous task: ‘Yes, I do. Sorry about that. I’ll get it myself then.’

7. On her name
The Toddler is misbehaving. Silly Mummy informs her she is a little monster. The Toddler knows Silly Mummy gets confused, and patiently corrects her: ‘I’m not a monster, I’m The Toddler!’

8. On saying ‘woof’
The Toddler is saying ‘woof’. For no particular reason. This is a little odd. She’s also giving a running commentary about the fact that she is saying ‘woof’. This is more than a little odd. ‘Woof. I say woof to The Baby. I’ll say woof to you. Woof. Do you like woof, The Baby?’

9. On kettles, boring
Silly Mummy is asking The Baby to fetch her various items (to see what words The Baby understands, not because The Baby is Silly Mummy’s slave). Silly Mummy asks The Baby if she can find the kettle from the toy tea set. The Toddler has an objection and interjects: ‘You can’t have the kettle – it’s very boring.’

10. On sharing
The Toddler has been rooting around in the games cupboard she is not supposed to go in. Playing cards are now all over the floor. Silly Mummy is picking them up. The Toddler is protesting Silly Mummy’s seizure of ‘her’ property. Silly Mummy points out: ‘Those are Mummy’s cards.’
The Toddler is feeling generous: ‘I’ll share them with you.’

 
 
A word (just the one) from The Baby
The Baby has broken into the restricted (for toddlers and baby toddlers) dining area. She is very pleased with herself. She dodges Silly Mummy and manages to grab a pen before she is apprehended. As Silly Mummy approaches her, The Baby waves her pen in the air, Braveheart style, and issues her war cry: ‘Booooooop!’ You can take The Baby’s pen, but you’ll never take her bop! (In all fairness, ‘bop’ is a more rational war cry than the one William Wallace uses in that film. I’d go so far as to suggest that the course of Scottish history could have been very different had the Scots waved their pens and yelled ‘bop’ at the army of Edward I.)

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner