Tagged Sleeping Beauty

Fairy Tales – I Demand Answers

hempsted1-1I have made an error. I have started to try to apply logic to fairy tales, and now I have a few questions. Not least, why did I not think there was anything odd about these stories as a child?

Cinderella

1. What size are Cinderella’s feet that, of all the maidens in the land, the glass slipper only fits her foot? My shoes would probably fit twenty other women just on my street. (Funny story: Prince William meant to marry Sharon, who he met down the Student Union one night. Sharon sadly passed out in the toilet and got taken home by her mate Denise before Wills could get her name. However, he did find one of her Louboutins, kicked off for whatever reason drunk people feel the need to remove their shoes, and set about tracking down the fair maiden/drunk student to whom it belonged. Unfortunately, Sharon had a very common shoe size and there was a terrible misunderstanding. I digress.)

2. In any case, why didn’t the glass slipper vanish at midnight like everything else the fairy godmother magicked up?

Snow White

3. If the wicked step mother wanted proof that Snow White had been killed, why didn’t she ask for her head, not her heart? A head is a much more identifying feature. If only she’d asked for the head, she would have instantly suspected the huntsman had, in fact, killed a deer.

The Princess and the Pea

4. Why does identifying a pea under fifty mattresses prove someone is a princess? Moreover, if that ‘skill’ is indeed evidence of being a real princess, why did no one think to stick a pea under all those women claiming to be Anastasia Nikolaevna?

Rapunzel

5. Why was the prince bringing Rapunzel a small piece of silk each night with which to weave a ladder, thus ensuring her escape was so slow Dame Gothel found out? Why didn’t he bring a large piece of rope the first night and get on with it? Admittedly, he may not have expected Rapunzel to be so foolish as to tell Dame Gothel. However, it’s a fairy tale – surely he could have banked on everyone being a complete idiot, and taken precautions? (Perhaps he was hindered by being a character in a fairy tale, and thus a complete idiot.)

Hansel and Gretel

6. Hansel and Gretel overheard their parents discussing leaving them in the woods, so Hansel devised a cunning plan to allow them…to return to their parents. The ones who had worked really hard to lose them. How did they think that was going to work out?

7. Furthermore, why, when Hansel’s first plan led to the predictable outcome of them being abandoned in the woods again, did Hansel proceed to come up with the same plan, but stupider?

8. Most importantly, their father apparently loved the children and did not want to go along with the stepmother’s plan (twice, he went along with it twice). The stepmother’s plan, you may recall, was formulated due to the fact that they could not afford to feed all of the family. No one, least of all Hansel and Gretel, ever appears to have questioned why, given the key facts that he couldn’t afford to feed all of the family, he loved his children, and his wife was a callous old bat, the father didn’t dump the wife instead of the kids. That would also have reduced the mouths to feed.

Sleeping Beauty

9. Having put everyone to sleep, the good fairy summons a forest of thorns and brambles to shield the castle and prevent anyone from disturbing the princess. What? Why would she do that? Someone was meant to disturb the princess. The whole point of the counter-curse to make her sleep instead of die was so that the prince could disturb her: why are we making this difficult? Anyone?

Rumpelstiltskin

10. Apparently, following the final night of gold spinning, the girl was married to the king the next day and a year later gave birth to a baby, but had forgotten her promise to Rumpelstiltskin. Of course. A year is a long time. Who hasn’t forgotten when their idiot mother/father (depends on the version) offered them to a sadistic king to perform the impossible task of spinning straw into gold, a task which was actually achieved by a small, magical man for the bargain price of their first born child. Could easily slip your mind. Nine months of pregnancy, no little niggle in the back of her mind: ‘Something about babies…my baby…giving someone my baby? No, it’s no use – it’s gone.’ Completely plausible.

These Are a Few of MY Favourite Things (Mine, All Mine)

four_dwarvesToday we’re getting musical, in the loosest possible sense of the word, with The Toddler and The Baby, and their top five hits of the year so far, as featured in the Silly Chart Show.

 
5. A new entry from The Toddler, with Don’t Pick Your Nose Up Off the Floor

There is a song on The Toddler’s Sing and Sign DVD that goes:
‘Don’t wipe your nose on the sofa
Don’t trap your fingers in the door
You shouldn’t, you mustn’t, you can’t do that
And don’t eat that biscuit off the floor’

The Toddler is in the back of the car, performing her own special rendition of this song: ‘…Don’t pick your nose up off the floor…’

 
4. An old favourite staying steady at Number 4 (though we may have forgotten it): The Toddler, with Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

The Toddler would like it to be known that she still knows Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: ‘I remember that Califragilistic song!’ Indeed. Not the name. Or any of the lyrics. But, in all other respects, perfect recollection.

 
3. A first entry to the Chart for The Baby, with Heigh Ho

The Baby likes to join in with the dwarfs in Snow White as they head off to work singing Heigh Ho. She only really knows one word in the song, but she makes it work. Despite not being quite sure where exactly they are going, she is game to join in with the going itself. She marches around the coffee table, singing : ‘Go! Go! Go! Go!’ The moments when the dwarfs are also singing ‘go’ are very exciting for her. There is a special dance.

 
2. Not a new entry, but a remix in at Number 2 for The Toddler, with Silent Night
The Toddler has expanded on her early version of Silent Night (‘All is calm/All is calm/All is calm/All is calm’). There are now more lyrics. Not the usual lyrics, granted, but lyrics nonetheless.
‘Silent night
All is calm down
Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty is come
That’s the end’

Ah, yes, a classic musical rendition of the traditional Nativity story: Sleeping Beauty went to sleep in a manger and nothing else happened.

 
1. Straight in at Number 1, it’s The Toddler feat. Silly Mummy, with My Favourite Things

The Toddler currently likes My Favourite Things. She requires Silly Mummy to sing it at bedtime. However, she likes to interject with a few amendments. Just to make it clear whose things these actually are.

Silly Mummy (singing): ‘Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘It’s MY apple!’
Silly Mummy (singing): ‘…These are a few of my favourite things…’
The Toddler (yelling): ‘They’re MY things!’

Excuse Me, Sir: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time (well, not time – it’s late, because last week’s was late and it has spiraled) for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

So, late for a very important date, here is The Toddler:

1. On how to wake sleeping princesses
It appears The Toddler has some funny ideas about how exactly the princes traditionally wake sleeping princesses in fairytales. She is watching Snow White. The prince is about to save Snow White: ‘She’s going to wake up. Now he’s here. He’s going to take his outfit off.’ (Silly Mummy, who does largely try to avoid actually watching Disney films, has a quick look to make sure The Toddler is not watching some kind of adult version. She is not. The prince is not taking his outfit off.)

2. On The Baby, Grandfathering
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. Silly Mummy is not sure what they are playing, but The Toddler appears to have cast The Baby in a somewhat unexpected role. She is following The Baby around the room calling: ‘Come here, Grandfather. Be careful, Grandfather. Grandfather!’ Silly Mummy is fairly sure The Baby has no idea how or why she came to be ‘Grandfather’, but she seems to be willing to accept being addressed as such. As long, that is, as The Toddler accepts that ‘Grandfather’ will be going about her business as previously scheduled, because The Baby is unsure what being a grandfather actually entails.

3. On veins, needy
The Toddler has an attention seeking circulatory system. It’s the only explanation for following Silly Mummy around demanding, ‘Mummy, look at my veins! Look at my veins!’

4. On Silly Mummy, not currently required
The Toddler has decided that Silly Mummy is currently dismissed. The Toddler will inform Silly Mummy when her presence is required again. She marches over: ‘You go back to bed. I’ll come back to you.’

5. On looking for her umbrella
The Toddler has pulled out one of the boxes from the storage unit, and now has her head in the hole: ‘I’m just looking for something. Just looking for my umbrella.’ She doesn’t have an umbrella. ‘Nope not here. It’s not even here.’ It would have been a little surprising if it was.

6. On being lost
The Toddler is lost. In the living room. In her house. ‘I don’t know where I are. I need to go home. I’ll be back in a minute. I do it on tiptoes.’ Those are excellent navigational tips, ladies and gentlemen. If ever you get lost at home, simply go home. On tiptoes.

7. On tables, missing
Silly Mummy is making something crafty. The Toddler decides she will make something too: ‘I get scissors!’ She runs off and returns with imaginary scissors. ‘Paper!’ She runs out again, appearing seconds later with her imaginary paper. She’s off again: ‘And glue!’ She returns, but is beginning to realise just how big an undertaking this imaginary crafting is: ‘Oh dear, I haven’t got a table either!’ Always annoying when you collect your imaginary supplies together only to realise you have no imaginary table to put them on. Amusingly, she was standing right next to a real table.

8. On hitting rhinos
The Toddler is energetically beating a stuffed rhino with her broomstick. Silly Mummy is confused. Is there a reasonable explanation?
‘Um, The Toddler…’
The Toddler has an explanation. It’s reasonableness remains questionable. ‘I’m just hitting rhino cos he been naughty.’
The Toddler continues with her punishment of the rhino: ‘Get away! Get away!’
Silly Mummy believes the rhino would love to get away. If the toddler would just stop hitting him with a broomstick for a second. Rhinos are endangered, you know, The Toddler. Oh, and also: we don’t hit because of alleged naughtiness. This should be added, as The Baby is starting to look nervous.

9. On Disney films, all blending into one
The Toddler wants to watch either Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast, but it is not very clear which one: ‘Can we watch Sleeping in the Beast? I want to watch Sleeping in the Beast!’ She subsequently decides this is not quite right and amends it slightly: ‘I like to watch Sleepy and the Beast!’ Ah, yes, a touching story of love against the odds between a tired dwarf and a cursed prince.

10. On Mummy Sir
The Toddler is on the other side of a child safety gate to Silly Mummy. She would like to be on the same side as Silly Mummy. Apparently, she is also Oliver Twist: ‘Excuse me, Sir, can I get in?’ Silly Mummy has no idea where this came from, but could get used to it. Yes, Sir, Mummy Sir.

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 27: In My Opinion