Tagged Spiders

They Have Returned: Protect Yourselves

*THIS IS AN URGENT PUBLIC SERVICE BULLETIN*
 
 
They have returned. They are rising. The invasion is underway. Some are speaking of the apocalypse, though there has been no official statement on this yet.

 
What we are being told officially, however, is this:

 
1. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to travel. Do not attempt to reach loved ones. The public are advised to avoid all contact with the assailants.

 
2. Gather essential supplies, in case of a siege situation. Stockpile water and canned goods. They often gather in doorways and windows, and you may be unable to get out.

 
3. Avoid corners. DO NOT GO TO HIGHER GROUND.

 
4. Stay in a group, if possible. Keep a lookout at all times. Remember, you do not need to outrun them, you just need to outrun your friends. Sacrificing slow members of the group is entirely acceptable. This is about survival.

 
5. Know your enemy. They move strangely, but they are surprisingly fast. They are relentless. They are absolutely evil. Do not feel compassion for them. Compassion will be your undoing. And never, ever hesitate. Do what has to be done. They must die.

 
6. Collect weapons and keep them with you at all times. A large trainer and a vacuum cleaner are essential. Do not use a cat. Cats are a useless weapon against this threat. They are always full of confidence, but they never fail to f**k it up. They will play with the enemy and then lose it – do not make the mistake of joining forces with the cat.

 
7. The assailants can only be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. Nothing else will work. They cannot be drowned or stabbed. It is tempting to run for your life and burn your house to the ground, but you can be sure that they will rise from the wreckage. The only way is to smash their heads to smithereens with a trainer and vacuum up the pieces.

 
8. Stay vigilant. Stay safe. And always remember, under NO circumstances, ever, ever lift up that mug on the floor.

 
 
*THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE SPIDERS HAVE RETURNED. PROTECT YOUR HOMES. PROTECT YOUR FAMILIES. REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN. DO NOT LET THE CAT HAVE A GO. DO NOT LIFT UP THE MUG. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.*

 
 

It’s Too Scary!

As it’s Halloween, I have decided to share a few of the things The Toddler has declared to be ‘too scary’ since she learnt the phrase ‘too scary’.

1. Trolls
Particularly the troll in Enchanted. Or the ‘dunk dunk’, as The Toddler used to – and sometimes still does – call him (took some time to work out that came from the noise she thinks it makes). The troll is often declared to be scary. The Toddler likes to chatter about the troll: ‘She saw a troll, didn’t she? I don’t like troll. Bit scary.’ Fair enough. Trolls are not usually nice characters. That said, the troll in Enchanted is a fairly benevolent troll, despite attempts to eat people. The Evil Queen, in my opinion, is much scarier. She does evil magic, appears in clouds of smoke and sinister music*, turns into a dragon, tries to kill people. How does The Toddler feel about the Evil Queen? She loves her. Every time she appears, The Toddler excitedly shouts: ‘The Evil Queen! The Evil Queen is coming! Look, Mummy, it’s the Evil Queen! I like Evil Queen!’

*Though The Toddler seems to have some funny ideas about what constitutes sinister music – see number 4.

 
2. Giant spiders
There are halloween decorations in the shopping mall, hanging from the ceilings. The Toddler loves them. Mostly. She loves the creepy cobweb chandelier. She has to dance under it (to the accompaniment of funny looks from confused passers-by). She loves the ghosts and the giant pumpkin. Following her under chandelier spinning, she announces: ‘Giant pumpkin! Are we going to see giant pumpkin?’ Then come the giant spiders. The Toddler does not like the giant spiders. However, she tends to forget this fact: ‘Look, Mummy, it’s spiders! I’m going to see spiders…No, I don’t like it! Too scary!’

3. Balloons Popping
Just to be clear, this is not balloons actually popping, oh no. No. There is a balloon tied to the railing of the room divider. The Toddler has decided it is like those balls on rope for children to swing on at soft play centres, and that is what she is trying to do. With a balloon. On a string. Tied to a railing. I point out that the balloon is likely to pop, and she won’t like that. I am informed that warnings about the balloon popping are ‘too scary’.

4. A random song from a musical
Silly Daddy has found a songs from musicals and movies radio station. This has, unsurprisingly, been popular. Until one particular song. Now, I don’t know what this song is from. I am not much of a musicals fan, really. The important point is that it isn’t remotely scary. Nothing sinister. It isn’t from Sweeney Todd*. Or even Blood Brothers**. No, this is a totally innocuous, saccharine song from a musical. One that sounds like any innocuous, saccharine musical song. The Toddler whimpers: ‘Too scary! Turn it off! Too scary!’

*’Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd/He served a dark and a vengeful god’
Now, this is an understandably creepy musical song.

**’Now you know the devil’s got your number/You know he’s gonna find you/You know he’s right behind you/He’s staring through your windows/He’s creeping down the hall’
I mean, no one needs to find out through the medium of a musical that the devil is on some kind of register and probably has his relationships monitored by the authorities, right? You can’t trust anyone these days, even the root of all evil. I may have gone off topic.

 
5. Baby Jake
Not the awful animated version, with the picture of the real baby’s head (and *shiver* animated mouth), that is clearly the stuff of nightmares. No. She’s fine with that abomination. She doesn’t like the real Baby Jake at the end. He’s ‘scary’. Perhaps over the course of the programme she becomes convinced that babies are supposed to have a cartoon body, a photograph of a real baby for a head, and what I am fairly sure is the Cheshire Cat’s mouth.