Tagged toddler humour

The Toddler Vote

You may have heard that the youth vote has become a big issue in British politics, after Corbyn effectively harnessed the youth vote for Labour in the recent election. However, Labour do not have the support of all of the country’s youth. Oh no, the toddler vote is firmly with May and her Tories. The Tories may not be the natural party of government, as they have always claimed, but they are certainly the natural party of toddlers.

 
Hard Brexit

Mrs May’s Brexit strategy is every toddler who has ever stood on the back of the sofa with an ambitious plan to jump onto the coffee table. It’s not going to work, it has not been thought out, someone is going to get hurt. Sane adults are standing on the sideline yelling ‘Do not do that! Don’t you dare do that! You have been warned! No one gave you permission to do that! This is the stupidest thing you have ever done!’ Meanwhile, the toddler is screaming back ‘I don’t care! I’ve committed now! I might die, but dying is better than climbing off this sofa in an organised and measured manner!’ In short, toddlers approve of Mrs May’s Brexit strategy, because it is exactly what they would do. Of course, a toddler’s still developing brain means that they lack appropriate reasoning abilities. But we won’t let that undermine our opinion of Mrs May’s intellect.

 
The NHS

Toddler health services tend to involve an overworked staff (usually moonlighting in several other jobs including, but not limited to, builder, knight, hairdresser and astronaut), being paid in raisins, working with limited (often imaginary) supplies, in an entirely unregulated manner. Toddlers are perfectly willing to sell off their health service, such as it is, to the person offering them the most cheese. This essentially appears to be Mrs May’s exact plan for the NHS.

 
U-turns

Toddlers love a good u-turn. In fact, prior to Mrs May’s decision that she was actually going to hold the snap General Election that she definitely wasn’t going to hold, the record for fastest and most extreme u-turn had been held by Amelia, aged 2, from Wolverhampton. Amelia had made it into the record books after realising how much she hates jam in the time it took to spread it on the toast following her request for jam on toast, a request which she hadn’t expected anyone to remember, and which she didn’t feel particularly contradicted her current hating jam position.

 
Ridiculous Appointments to Positions of Power

Yes, Mrs May appears to be presiding over the most incompetent government of all time, and who in their right minds would appoint Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary?? Nonetheless, toddlers are not particularly concerned. Mrs May’s cabinet kind of makes sense to the sort of people who appoint baby siblings as knights, tasked with rescuing a plastic leek being held prisoner by the mantlepiece, only to fire the confused baby knight in favour of sending the goldfish on the quest instead. Plus none of them have queried a pig, who refers to himself as ‘daddy’ in a professional capacity, going to work in a job that appears to be the drawing of triangles. They were never really going to notice anything off about Boris, were they?

 
Privacy

Mrs May doesn’t really like the right to privacy (or any other human rights). She wants to spy on everyone and monitor the internet. She remains less draconian than toddlers, however, who consider that even toilet trips must be monitored.

 
Police Cuts

Unpopular with many voters, toddlers actually fully support Mrs May’s cuts to the police force. Cuts to the police mean less available officers to handle all those requests being made by parents for officers to be sent to deal with bedtime infractions being committed by suspects described as ‘naughty toddlers’. In fact, the toddlers have noticed that there often aren’t even sufficient police staff available to actually speak to when parents call the ‘Naughty Toddler Police’. It frequently appears that the parents are speaking to themselves. The toddlers believe they have Mrs May to thank for that.

 
Social Conscience/Morality

Toddlers are actually okay with the idea of taking things away from people who need them and not even being sorry. That’s what toddlers do on Tuesdays.

 
DUP Deal

The toddlers are less horrified by Mrs May’s deal with the DUP than most. They are unfazed by the bribery aspect. They operate almost exclusively on a system of bribes themselves, and most have been able to ensure their demands for 1.5 billion animal biscuits in exchange for a confidence and supply agreement* with parents for supermarket trips are met. Nor do they consider Mrs May’s choice of ‘friends’ particularly shocking or strange. Why, their own friends are also prone to supporting violence, believing in far-fetched nonsense, having little concept of the age of anything, and holding some odd views about dinosaurs.

(*I.e. an agreement whereby parents can be confident of being able to obtain supplies from at least two aisles of the supermarket before tantrums/escapes occur.)

 
 
It should be noted that, prior to the election, the Labour Party was also enjoying significant success amongst toddler voters. The party’s policy of fighting amongst themselves for no apparent reason was extremely popular with toddlers. However, since reducing the extent to which they behave like, well, toddlers, the Parliamentary Labour Party has rather fallen from grace with the pre-school demographic.

Hand in the Toilet (A ‘Hand in My Pocket’ Parody)

wc-265278_1920It is toddler parody time again – sorry about that. This time it is Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket.

I am crediting Gemma at Life Is Knutts with the inspiration for this one, as the idea to do this song came when I saw her parody of Ironic. Yes, Alanis, that’s right I’m crediting Gemma for the inspiration from your song, not you. Isn’t that ironic? Well, let’s face it, you don’t know, do you, Alanis? You have no idea if that’s ironic. (Ah, the ironic jokes never grow old. What’s that? They do? Shh!)

 
 

Hand in the Toilet

(By Toddler Morissette)

 
I’m crying but I’m happy
I’m sharing but it’s mine
I’m short but I’m climbing, yeah
I’m too high but I’m jumping off
I’m hungry but not eating that
I’m lost but still running, Mummy

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything’s going to be cleaned, cleaned, cleaned
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is pulling the cat’s tail

I’m violent but I’m cuddly
I’m young and I’m bossy
I’m tired but not sleeping, yeah
I care but I’m sulking
I’m hiding but I’m standing here
I’m wrong and not sorry, Mummy

And what it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite a mess
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is flicking my sister

And what it all comes down to
Is that Mummy hasn’t got it all figured out just yet
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is throwing a cereal bowl

I’m drawing but it’s on the wall
I’m full but want choccy
I bite but I’m friendly, Mummy
I’m cold but I’m stripping off
I’m brave but there’s a monster
I’m sick but I’ll kiss you, Mummy

And what it all boils down to
Is that no mummy’s really got it figured out just yet
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is picking my nose

And what it all comes down to, my friends
Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine
Cause I’ve got one hand in the toilet
And the other one is hiding Mummy’s shoes