Tagged Trump

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Donald?

I think I have the solution. I know how to fix this. The Trump administration has given us alternative facts and fake news (which they claim is everywhere). I think this is the way out. Fake news – let’s use it, people.

 
First step: announce that the election was fake news. Never happened. Just put Barack back in the Oval Office: ‘Don, what are you doing in my office, bro?’

 
Second step: follow this script. Do not deviate.

Election hasn’t happened yet. Don’t you remember: it was postponed due to the Bowling Green Massacre?

Of course it didn’t happen. I mean, if you were elected, the inauguration crowds would have been the biggest ever seen, right, Don? Look at the pictures. No one was there. Because it didn’t happen.

Remember when you met the British leader? Nigel something or other? Yeah, that guy’s not the British Prime Minister. No one knows who that guy is, but we think a village somewhere is sans idiot. See? Make believe. A pretend President meeting a pretend Prime Minister. It was probably a dream.

But you’re living in the White House? Are you though? Really? Dude, where’s your wife? If you live here, where’s your wife?

You still think you’re the President? If you were the President, you wouldn’t be profiting from businesses that are a direct conflict of interest, would you? And we’d have seen your tax returns, right? Every President produces his tax returns. Dude, where’s your tax return? It just doesn’t seem very likely you’re the President, does it?

You want more evidence? Presidents have a State Department, don’t they? You know, one with staff in it. I think you know where this is going, Donald…Dude, where’s your State Department?

Presidents also attend intelligence briefings. Have you attended an intelligence briefing, Donald? No, you haven’t. Because you’re not the President.

If you were already the President, you wouldn’t have been election campaigning, would you? That would be a really strange thing to do if there had just been an election and you were supposed to be busy running the country, wouldn’t it? Have you been election campaigning recently, Donald?

Can you tie your tie, Donald? You’re not the President, are you, Donald? I know, it’s very confusing. Yes, you did sign things. But do you know what they were, Donald? Don’t you think a President would have known what they were? And the crayon, Donald? Did you think it was at all strange that you were signing Executive Orders with a crayon? And Sean Spicer? You can’t possibly have thought he was real? Could you not tell that was Melissa McCarthy in a wig?

On the plus side, Don, as none of this happened, at least you haven’t committed treason. Silver clouds, right? (Or golden showers, if you’d prefer.)

That’s right, Donald, just step this way. Just this door over here. Yes, I’m sure you will win the real election when it finally happens. A tremendous win, yes. Yes, you were the best fake President. No one fake presidents better than you. Really. Alec Baldwin gave fake presidenting a go, but he lost. Bigly. Sad. Now, here’s the door. Let’s just put your coat on, and you can get back to the election campaign. Yes, it is a funny looking coat. Very complicated, yes. Yes, the sleeves are supposed to wrap round like that…

 
 
I really think this would work. Fake news. All fake. I mean, that’s more believable than that the past month actually happened, right? We can do this. It. Never. Happened. Just channel Kellyanne Conway, and brazen it out. Hell, Kellyanne Conway will probably jump onboard and confirm the election was fake – I think she’s physically incapable of walking past a lie without repeating it.

An Entirely Fake History of Russia

Now, many of you are probably aware that, as a result of another serious President Trump opening his mouth incident, Russia has recently been downgraded from a country we were all under the impression actually exists to ‘fake news’. In ackowledgement of this change of status, I have compiled an entirely fake history of the fake country of Russia, to assist people in the task of not getting their facts straight.

So, here it is, the abridged version of…

 
 
An Entirely Fake History of Fake Russia

 
Background

Following the principle of ‘go big or go home’, those who invented the fake country of Russia, invented it as the largest country in the world. Some people suggested it might be a literal waste of space to allocate six and a half million square miles of land to a fake country, but by that time they’d already committed. Now, of course, if you are going to make a six and a half million square mile fake country, you’re going to need some fake people. 140 million fake people, in fact. Some of them are quite realistic. One managed to buy Chelsea Football Club. Russia has eleven time zones. In the circumstances, this would appear rather greedy and unnecessary. A number of countries claim to share land borders with Russia, but they don’t fool us – we know Russia doesn’t exist.

 
Tsardom of Russia*

The Tsardom of Russia began in the 16th century. The first Tsar was Ivan. He was terrible**. Terrible Tsar. The worst Tsar.

Russia became an empire and world power under Peter. Great man***. The Best.

Catherine ruled in the 18th century. Some people called her ‘Great’, but that was a lie spread by the fake news media. Crooked Catherine was a nasty woman.

By the eighteenth century, the Russian Empire was the third largest empire in history, and the largest if only imaginary empires were counted.

Russia fought against Napoleon in the Napoleonic Wars, but this was of limited value compared to the non-fake countries who participated in his defeat. Most notably Abba, who of course defeated Napoleon at Waterloo. Nonetheless, Napoleon’s attempt to invade Russia was disastrous. Historians disagree as to whether this was a result of the difficulties posed by the freezing Russian winter, or the difficulties inherent in invading a fake country (cold or otherwise). Despite being fake, Russia surprisingly sent a delegation to the Congress of Vienna following the Napoleonic Wars.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Russia faced an embarrassing defeat in the Crimean War, when everyone remembered Russia was fake and simply went home.

 
First World War

In 1914, Russia joined the First World War, but was isolated from its Triple Entente allies (they couldn’t see it because it didn’t exist). The fake people of this fake country became increasingly disgruntled with their fake lot, and mistrustful of their fake Tsar. So he was overthrown and eventually executed, along with his family. This may have been fake. In particular, the death of Anastasia Romanov was believed by many to be fake. Fake bodies can vanish so easily, it’s an occupational hazard of not being real.

 
Russian Revolution

You may believe you studied the Russian Revolution in school but, of course, you didn’t. It was fake. Lenin, the Bolsheviks, the October Revolution, Stalin, Trotsky…all fake news. I mean, come on: a bunch of farm animals took control of a farm in the name of equality but, following some in-fighting between two stupidly named pigs, created their own inequalities? That didn’t seem fake to you?**** Despite the fakeness of the Russian Revolution and Russia itself, Leninism is, of course, not fake (am I right, Steve?). (Though any suggestions of anyone currently pursuing Leninist aims, even if they made the suggestion themselves, is fake news.)

 
Second World War

During the Second World War, Hitler made the same mistake as Napoleon. Namely, attempting to invade a fake country. A cold fake country. It is hard to fight a war on two fronts, particularly when one front is a figment of your imagination.

 
The Cold War Era

Russia was the dominant force of the USSR, which eventually disbanded in 1991 when Gorbachev realised he was fake. Many of the ex-Soviet states have struggled to come to terms with the humiliation of having been run by a fake country for decades without noticing. Some people believe the ex-Soviet states are fake too. Mostly people in the White House who can’t pronounce the names of the ex-Soviet states.

The Cold War was a period of tension between the Eastern and Western Blocs (and particularly the USSR and the USA) following the Second World War. It was called a ‘cold’ war due to the lack of direct fighting (which it is now believed may possibly have been a result of the dubious existence of Russia). It has recently come to light that the Cold War was completely fake, with the USA confirming that it is friends with Russia and has always been friends with Russia. Any suggestion to the contrary is fake news. As, in fact, is Russia. (Just to be very clear – wouldn’t want any misreporting – when it comes to the New START Treaty, the USA is not friends with Russia, though Russia is still fake news, and the USA suspects that the New START Treaty is itself also fake news.)

In the 1960s, Russia was the first country to fake the sending of a man into space (and a woman), though the United States ultimately won the race to fake put a man on the moon.

 
Russia Post-1991

Following the breakdown of the USSR, Russia became the Russian Federation. People started to suspect this was fake when it took over from the New Republic in Star Wars.

Russia’s energy resources are the largest in the world. You know all that concern about non-renewable energy and fossil fuels running out? This is the reason for it. It was something of a blow to energy sustainability when it was realised that the largest supply of natural energy reserves exists in a fake country.

Russia possesses the largest stockpile of WMDs in the world. This is confusing, so listen closely. Iraq’s alleged WMDs were fake, Iraq is not. Russia’s WMDs are real, but Russia isn’t. Got it? No? Well then it is probably a little bit harsh expecting the President of the USA to understand Russia, isn’t it?

Russia is a permanent, though obviously fake, member of the UN Security Council, which is itself likely to be declared fake news any day now.

In 2014, the Crimean Peninsula of Ukraine held a referendum on accession to the Russian Federation. Despite deciding they would like to be annexed by a fake country, this was still a less stupid referendum result than Brexit. The annexation of Crimea by a made up country was a significant embarrassment to Ukraine and has not been accepted by the international community, which does not recognise land claims by imaginary countries.

Russian President-Prime Minister-President-Prime Minister-President Putin is definitely fake. He was created by JK Rowling. Don’t worry, Harry Potter is dealing with it.

 
 
 

*Featuring additional (fake) input from President Trump
**Literally: he was Ivan the Terrible
***Yes, Peter the Great
****Yes, that’s Animal Farm

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everything I have said is complete bullshit. I am therefore officially more self-aware than the President of the USA when it comes to talking nonsense about Russia.

Twenty Seventeen (a Dystopian Tale)

donald-trump-1269282_1920I’ve had an idea for a book*. It’s a great idea. Nobody has better book ideas than me. All of the other books are overrated. I will write a great, great book. And I will make Mexico pay for that book.**

 
 
Plot Summary

The year is 2017. Wilbert Jones lives in the superstate of Trumpia. The superstate is dictated by a political regime referred to as ‘Altright’ in the government’s invented language, Fakenewspeak. Trumpia is controlled by a privileged elite, known as The Billionaire Party. Any thinking at all is punished as a ‘thoughtcrime’.

Trumpia was formed as a result of the Stupid Revolution, during which masses of the population decided to rebel against nothing very much in the most illogical manner possible, based on a belief in the most ridiculous lies imaginable. Significant sectors of society, furious at having a better standard of living and more rights than before, were convinced that they should no longer stand for this nonsense and demanded a return to ‘greatness’ (a word which here means ‘poverty, oppression and racism’). Meanwhile, rich, white males felt compelled to rebel against being the world’s most powerful group by demanding more power. Following The Stupid Revolution, The Billionaire Party was apparently in control of Trumpia. No one is quite sure how this happened.

The Party leader, Bigly Hand Brother, enjoys a cult of (narcissistic) personality, and inexplicably refers to himself only in the third person. Bigly Hand Brother is much loved, mostly by himself, and receives great praise and thanks, again, mostly from himself. Some people believe that Bigly Hand Brother does not really exist. He may have been created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Or be Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest persona. Bigly Hand Brother and The Billionaire Party are interested only in their own power. They have no interest in the well-being of the citizens of Trumpia.

Trumpia has four ministries. The Ministry of #AlternativeFacts rewrites history, deletes tweets, burns tax records and lies through its teeth. The Ministry of You Can Do Anything deals with equality and women’s rights. The Ministry of Greatness is responsible for cutting healthcare, birth control and tax for the rich, and destroying trade agreements, all in the best interests of well-being and prosperity for the normal man. The Ministry of White Supremacy has responsibility for construction (walls), supply (white sheets with eye holes), and the military (goose-stepping and salutes). The Ministry of the NRA is concerned with production (more guns).

A secret underground organisation, known as ‘The Women’, intends to destroy The Party. Bigly Hand Brother has declared The Women to be ‘big, fat pigs’. Instructions have been issued that any person found to be a member of The Women may be grabbed.

There are two other superstates: Europeanunionia and Russia***. There is a state of perpetual, unwinnable war between the superstates. Trumpia is at war with Europeunionia. Trumpia is friends with Russia. Trumpia has always been friends with Russia. A populace familiar with ‘Nothink’ seems to have accepted this, though it is not true. In fact, Trumpia, back in the days before the Stupid Revolution when it was known as ‘America’, was once an ally of Europeunionia, and at war with Russia. The new alliance began during ‘Hate Month’ in November 2016. A month Bigly Hand Brother dedicated to stirring up hatred of everything, except Russia. Brainwashed citizens now repeat the phrase ‘we’ve always been at war with Europeanunionia’. They have been told by the Party that the war is over Europeanunionia’s resettlement of some refugees (although this really isn’t any of Trumpia’s business) and, rather improbably, Europeunionia’s production of much better cars than Trumpia.

Whilst the Billionaire Party live in gold plated luxury, the standard of living for the majority of the population is intentionally kept low. The unwinnable war and breaking of trade agreements assist with this, along with the work of the Ministry of Greatness. The citizens of Trumpia are kept under constant surveillance. By Russia mostly.

Wilbert Jones works in the Ministry of #AlternativeFacts, censoring reality. He erases ‘overrated’ people, and creates crowds of people attending inaugurations. It is Wilbert’s job to ensure all figures, including those relating to hand size, are greatly exaggerated. References to debts owed to Russia, misspelt tweets, rape allegations and the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution are all eliminated by Wilbert and his colleagues in the Ministry.

Wilbert attempts to resist the Billionaire Party and sets up an alternative twitter account (@altwilbert).**** However, after being tricked by someone he believed to be an agent of The Women, who was really working for The Party, he is captured by the ‘Nothought Police’. He is ultimately waterboarded into submission. Bigly Hand Brother likes waterboarding.*****

 
Terminology of Trumpia

‘Nothink’ is the principle of accepting and repeating any claim – no matter how ludicrous, immoral, contradictory or blatantly untrue – without giving it a second thought, or subjecting it to any level of analysis, critical thinking or fact-checking.

‘Thoughtcrime’ refers to engaging in any rational thought at all. It is punished by the ‘Nothought Police’. Twitter is monitored to detect any citizens engaging in thinking. Bigly Hand Brother personally deals with twitter related thoughtcrime.

Fakenewspeak is a language invented by Bigly Hand Brother and The Party. It consists of a combination of nonsense words, misspelt words, and real words used in a ridiculous manner. Many have suspected that Fakenewspeak is a product of utter stupidity and inability to use the original language of America correctly. Bigly Hand Brother has refuted this claim, stating that: ‘Fakenewspeak is a great, great language – nobody makes up languages better than me, believe me.’

 
 
What do you think? Great book idea, right? I can’t shake the feeling that it is somehow familiar, though…******

 
 

(*I haven’t.

**All based on Trump quotes, just in case anyone thinks I’ve lost the plot.

***Conveniently didn’t even need adjusting – already ended in ‘ia’.

****Do check out the rogue twitter accounts apparently set up by employees of various US agencies that have had their official accounts gagged by the Trump administration. Let’s hope they’re real.

*****And other *ahem* ‘water’ based activities.

******It is familiar. It’s based on Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, of course.)

 
 
‘There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always – do not forget this – always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.’

– George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four