It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week Silly Mummy is to learn the difference between ducks and swans, not eat her plate until later, and say sorry to the TV. Must do better, Silly Mummy. The Toddler, on the other hand is on top form.
Here she is:
1. On apologies, to inanimate objects
Silly Mummy is engaged in an argument with the TV, which is behaving badly and disobeying the remote control. Silly Mummy admits defeat, but not graciously: ‘Stupid thing!’
The Toddler is scandalised: ‘You mustn’t say stupid! Say sorry to the TV!’
2. On swans, not ducks
The Toddler and The Baby are watching Stick Man. Silly Mummy is not, but out of the corner of her eye sees something that looks like ducklings, and says, ‘Ooh, look, The Baby: ducks!’
The Toddler, in her best condescending tone, declares, ‘Mummy, that’s a swan.’ She’s right, it is.
3. On rain on her car
The Silly Family are heading out in the car. A few minutes after leaving the house, The Toddler looks out of the window and identifies a problem: ‘I’ve got to go home. It’s a bit raining on my car!’
4. On walking the plank
The Toddler is dressed in her pirate costume. She is waving her cutlass at The Baby. Silly Mummy makes a suggestion: ‘Tell The Baby to walk the plank, The Toddler.’
The Toddler turns to The Baby: ‘Do the plank walk, The Baby!’ That sounds more like some kind of group dance, doesn’t it?
5. On Silly Daddy, when he was a little girl
The Toddler is reflecting on her recollections of Silly Daddy’s younger days: ‘When Daddy was a little girl, he was very big.’
6. On drawing, contraptions for
The Toddler is doodling on her etch a sketch. She informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m just doing some drawing. On my contraption.’ Contraption?? Where on earth did she learn that word?
7. On calling Grandma
The Toddler is conducting an imaginary phone call, and needs Silly Mummy to be quiet: ‘You shh. I’m talking on the phone to Grandma. She’s not here yet.’ The Toddler has instructions for ‘Grandma’: ‘You talk to The Baby.’ The Toddler holds out, well, nothing masquerading as a phone to The Baby. Who looks at the nothing in confusion, and doesn’t say anything. The Toddler takes back her ‘phone’: ‘I think The Baby is a bit shy, Grandma. What have you been doing, Grandma?’
8. On guided tours, of badness
The Baby (sometimes with The Toddler’s help) has taken up the helpful hobby of pulling all the DVDs off the DVD tower. The Toddler appears at the kitchen door while Silly Mummy is making dinner to report that The Baby is engaging in her hobby again. Silly Mummy comes to the living room to survey the carnage. The Toddler jumps in front of her: ‘Wait! I’m going to show you round!’ Silly Mummy joins The Toddler’s impromptu tour. Upon reaching the scene of the destruction, Tour Guide The Toddler points at the DVD pile on the floor, and prepares Silly Mummy for the worst: ‘This is bad.’
9. On saving your appetite
The Toddler is preparing plastic tea and toast. She hands Silly Mummy an empty plate while she goes off to make the plastic toast: ‘You can have your plate.’ She also has some instructions regarding the plate: ‘Don’t eat your plate now.’ Always good advice. She continues: ‘Eat your plate later.’ Ah, she’s just concerned that Silly Mummy will spoil her appetite if she starts eating plates now.
10. On Merida
The Toddler has been watching Brave. She quite likes it, but struggles with Merida’s name. Silly Mummy says, ‘There’s Merida – she’s playing hide and seek, isn’t she?’
The Toddler replies, ‘Yes, that’s…Moron, isn’t it?’