Still going strong (and blowing its own trumpet), its this week’s Ten Funniest Things, featuring The Toddler:
1. On manners
Silly Mummy, Grandad, The Toddler and The Baby are out with the double buggy. A couple of women want to pass. The Silly Party moves over slightly to make room. All very courteous…but, wait! The Toddler wants to say something. Does she want to say ‘hello’, perhaps? ‘Nice to meet you’? ‘No, no: after you’? ‘Please do go past us, we’re a little slow’? No. The Toddler turns to the passing ladies: ‘Shoo! Shoo! Get away! Get away!’ The Toddler, ladies and gentlemen: so charming, such manners.
2. On philosophy
The Toddler is playing on the common. She runs out from behind a tree and stands in the middle of the grass. She gestures around with her arms and shouts, ‘Where’s everything gone?’ So profound. The Toddler is still determining which philosophical school of thought she adheres to, but she is leaning towards metaphysical nihilism.
3. On fairness
Possibly as a result of her new found nihilistic tendencies, The Toddler has this week come to realise: ‘That’s not fair!’ Many things have not been fair since The Toddler discovered the existence of the phrase ‘that’s not fair’. Silly Mummy does not know where The Toddler learnt this phrase, but Peppa Pig is under suspicion. (In fact, firm evidence or not, it’s going on the Peppa grievance list.)
4. On The Baby, not a game
Silly Daddy and Uncle are playing a game of flying baby. This involves passing The Baby backwards and forwards between them over their heads. The Toddler looks up at this activity and comments, ‘That’s not a game.’ It is unclear whether she is concerned about The Baby’s safety, or just thinks the activity is really rubbish.
5. On birthdays, who’s having the cake
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are discussing The Baby’s upcoming birthday. The Toddler knows about birthdays: there is cake. Silly Mummy has suggested that there may also be balloons. The Toddler agrees that there can be balloons: ‘Daddy have balloon. Me have balloon. You have balloon, Mummy. The Baby have balloon. Computer not have balloon.’ This all seems eminently sensible so far. The Toddler has not finished: ‘And have candles. Have cake. Blow out candles. Not you have cake. Just me have cake.’ Just The Toddler have cake? On The Baby’s birthday? Silly Mummy sees further discussions about whose birthday it is marching over the horizon.
6. On surprises, not
The Toddler is finishing a jar of chocolate pudding that The Baby does not want. The Toddler is rather excited about it. Silly Daddy enters the room, and Silly Mummy comments, ‘The Toddler likes the choccy pudding.’
Silly Daddy, with more than a hint of sarcasm, replies, ‘There’s a surprise.’
The Toddler, entirely missing the sarcasm, is quick to set Daddy straight, ‘No, it’s not a surprise, Daddy.’
7. On computer games, attention to
Silly Daddy is trying to teach The Toddler to play a Harry Potter Lego game on the computer. Silly Daddy’s deeply convincing (*ahem*) argument as to why this is a purely educational exercise has been forgotten by Silly Mummy. Motor skills may have been mentioned. When Silly Mummy enters the room, The Toddler is on Silly Daddy’s lap at the computer. She excitedly informs Silly Mummy, ‘Me go on computer with my Daddy! Not you help. Just me help. Me help win again! I win again! It’s my turn! It’s you, Daddy! Good boy!’ Clearly, The Toddler is engrossed in this game and…(The Toddler sings) ‘Roly poly ever so slowly, roly poly hot hot hot…me want Peppa Pig on!’ Clearly, The Toddler was engrossed in that game.
8. On walking, leaving it to the experts
The Baby is practising her new skill of walking, tottering across the living room unassisted, before falling down. Silly Mummy claps and praises The Baby. The Toddler appears. Clearly something is going on here. The clapping is a sure sign of something going on, and The Toddler is going to find out what it is.
‘What’s The Baby doing, Mummy?’
‘She was walking, darling.’
The Toddler considers this information, and turns to The Baby: ‘Just let me do the walking.’ That’s right, The Baby, step aside and leave it to the experts, this is not amateur hour.
9. On watching something else
The Toddler has been watching Peppa Pig. As she does on days that end in ‘y’. Rather surprisingly, she suddenly announces, ‘Watch something else now.’ Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy try to hide their glee. Silly Daddy says, ‘What shall we watch?’
The Toddler bounces up and down: ‘More Peppa pig!’
10. On I spy
The Toddler says, ‘I spy with my little eye.’
Silly Mummy is surprised: ‘I didn’t know you knew I spy with my little eye.’
The Toddler replies, ‘No. Me don’t.’ Of course.
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 10: Silly Me