The Dear God of Why Won’t You *#?!!**#! Go to Sleep: Mythological Toddlers

256px-Mรฅrten_Eskil_Winge_-_Tor's_Fight_with_the_Giants_-_Google_Art_ProjectWe all know the stories of some of the most famous figures in mythology, but have you ever wondered what they were like in their early years? Of course you haven’t. You’re a sane person with a busy life. You haven’t wondered. You didn’t ask. Nevertheless, I present a probably (*ahem*) accurate account of the toddler years of some mythological greats.

 
 
1. Narcissus

Narcissus was ultimately lured to a pool by Nemesis, where he fell in love with his own reflection. Unable to tear himself away, he stared at his beauty in the water until he died.

As a toddler, Narcissus could be found in TK Maxx, kissing his reflection in all the mirrors. Attempts to extract him were unsuccessful until bribery with biscuits was mentioned.

 
2. Odysseus

Odysseus was best known for his ten year journey to return to Ithaca following the Trojan War.

However, Odysseus was already no stranger to epic journeys. As a toddler, it would often take him two days to journey from the sofa to the front door, in order to comply with his mother’s wishes that he put his bloody shoes on so that they could leave the bloody house.

 
3. Pandora

Pandora, the first mortal woman, opened a jar out of curiosity and released all the evils of mankind upon the world.

The young Pandora trained for her eventual fate by opening a jar of sudocrem, releasing the evils of irremovable white gunk upon the carpet, sofas, baby and cat.

 
4. Orpheus

When Orpheus’ wife, Eurydices, died, he travelled to the Underworld to retrieve her. Hades and Persephone agreed to allow Eurydices to return, on condition that Orpheus walk in front of her and not look back until they both reached the upper world. Upon reaching the upper world himself, Orpheus forgot that he must not look back and looked at Eurydices, causing her to vanish back to the Underworld forever.

Orpheus had, in fact, struggled with the concept of not looking since early childhood. As a toddler, he was rubbish at hide and seek, telling Mummy where to hide and then looking before she even had a chance to reach her pre-agreed hiding place. Fortunately, Mummy never vanished into the Underworld, though she did on occasion hide in the bathroom to avoid further games of hide and seek.

 
5. Minos

As an adult, Minos made sacrifices to a Minotaur he had contained within a labyrinth.

As a toddler, early trials were conducted, consisting of attempts to contain the cat with Lego, before sending a baby sibling to investigate.

 
6. Sisyphus

Destined as an adult to spend eternity repeatedly rolling a boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down again, toddler Sisyphus could be found pursuing the futile task of trying to pick up ten balls at once, repeatedly dropping a ball already in his arms in each attempt to pick up another ball.

 
7. Demeter

Searching relentlessly for her abducted daughter Persephone, Demeter plunged the world into an eternal winter, in which all living things began to die, and the threat of the extinction of all life on Earth loomed.

The incident had its roots in the famous ‘Where’s Peppa, I Want Peppa NOW Tantrum’ of Demeter’s toddlerhood. Following the misplacement of her favourite Peppa Pig figurine, toddler Demeter plunged the living room into an eternal tantrum, in which Mummy’s patience began to die, and the threat of Baby Sister receiving a smack round the head with a toy stethoscope loomed.

 
8. Thor

Thor was a hammer-wielding god, associated with thunder, lightening and the protection of mankind.

In his early years, he was a hammer-wielding toddler, associated with tantrums, banging and the destruction of the living room.

 
9. Midas

As an adult, everything Midas touched turned to gold.

Midas possessed a version of this power even as a toddler, when everything he touched turned to broken pieces (or became inexplicably sticky).

 
10. Hypnos

Hypnos was, of course, the God of Sleep.

However, this was a position he obtained later in life. In his toddler years, Hypnos was actually the Dear God of Why Won’t You *#?!!**#! Go to Sleep?!

 
 

Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

75 comments

  1. MMT says:

    Your posts never fail to amaze me! Are you a closet member of Mensa?
    Wonderful as always – our eldest is a little bit of a princess Hypnos at the moment!
    Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub

  2. Kimmie says:

    So funny… Reminds me of a book I saw recently called ‘Go The **#! to sleep’… I won’t link to it hear in-case it’s use of the F-word offends your readers. But, it is hilarious. I’ll send you the link on Twitter ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Jennifer says:

    Oh yes, I had Hypnos. It was made worse by the fact that he didn’t nap either. He would be up from 6am until 10 or 11 at night, with just a 20-minute nap in between (on good days.) I was exhausted.

  4. whineorwine says:

    To put his bloody shoes on……
    dammm it why oh why will they not do it…even my 7 year old still needs to be asked 100 times….oh lorddddddy lord…kids!!!! xxx ‘fridayfrolics

  5. Emma-Louise Porter says:

    Love this! My daughter is for sure Odysseus it can take us an 35 minutes to walk a distance I do alone in 5!! #fortheloveofBLOG xx

  6. Beta Mummy says:

    You do make me laugh – just snorted out loud in the coffee shop where I’m sitting, at the sudocrem bit.
    At least I now know that there is hope for my moron toddlers – they could yet achieve great things…
    #fortheloveofblog

  7. jolene says:

    such a funny post.. I think we all have had a Pandora on our hands.. wrestling with our toddler to get that jar of sudo cream.. and the though of thor with a lego made hammer makes me chuckle x

  8. Loved this, I can relate to many of them, sadly in particular the last one at the minute! It was also like a test of my knowledge on Greek Myths. All of which was learned from Jim Henson’s puppet show as a child.
    #KCACOLS

  9. Saffy says:

    I have a mini-Hypnos. He just won’t ever go to effing sleep the little &^$%I^^((^(&%. Ahem. Thank you for linking with #KCACOLS and hope to see you again next week.

  10. Brilliantly funny as always – I love the Midas part, why does everything become inexpilicably sticky?? We also have a Pandora toddler, the poor dog still smells of sudocreme from that unfortunate incident #kcacols

  11. Haha Evie is Odysseus for sure. I love this. You always know how to put a smile on my face. I can pick out so many of my friends childrens in this article too. Each one of so fitting. x

  12. Another amazing post, so clever. My friends are quite lucky and they haven’t seemed to have many issues getting their kids to bed but I don’t know how I’d cope with that little sleep haha x

  13. Ha ha! We bribe Baby out of places with the promise of chocolate. God help her waist line if her behaviour doesn’t improve! loL! Great post as always. Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

  14. The Pramshed says:

    Such a lovely and different way of looking at our toddler’s behaviour by comparing them to mythological figures – for some reason when they are misbehaving it takes the edge of it, and makes it sound a little romantic. I don’t have a toddler, but a 10 month old baby – also Pandora with the Sudocream (ha ha), I’m not sure how Sudocream managed to be spread all over her, her books and my phone the other day (I’m not sure where she found my phone). I’m sure that we can all relate to these mythological figures. Thank you so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG this week. Claire x

  15. Kaye says:

    Haha love this. So true, especially the ‘sticky’ midas touch, no matter how many times you wipe them! How! Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

  16. Savannah says:

    Absolutely LOVE this! Oh, the funny thoughts in the mind of a sleep deprived mom haha!
    This was so funny, and many of them reminded me of my own son…maybe he has powers I don’t know about yet? (; #KCACOLS

  17. I don’t want to scare you, but about the time they sleep through the night or leave home (whichever comes first) you will need to get up 2-3 times/night to go pee. But don’t think about that now, okay?

  18. Ellen says:

    Oh my gosh this is so funny. You really are super clever!!!! I think Pandora may have to be my favourite from the list though… Every parent of a child over 3 has a sudocrem story!! #KCACOLS

  19. ShoeboxofM says:

    Love these posts. Too much Resident Evil though has put a very different spin on the tale of Narcissus and Nemesis!

    Sisyphean is a fantastic description for any toddler activity most recently getting them up the stairs for bed only for them to slither down and repeat.

    The thought of baby gods also makes me think of The Lil Endless from The Sandman!

    #FabFridayPost

  20. Mummy Rules says:

    This is absolutely brilliant and original! I will never look at the greek gods in the same way again. I believe my toddler is a strong mix of Thor and Pandora. #chucklemums

  21. the apple doesnt’ fall far from the tree, does it? I can see where the Toddler gets some of her bon mots. This one–majesty, I bow to your superior humor writing! and especially its intellectual content. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  22. Stacey W says:

    Your writing is so comically brilliant and creative! I write this as my 3 year old sits next to me talking a mile a minute despite the fact she wont go to sleep.

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