Toddlers, of course, spend a lot of time on the move. As such, they have needed to formulate a set of rules for navigating the busy toddler thoroughfares of the living room, bedroom, garden, park or softplay.
1. Right of Way
Under toddler road rules, a toddler has right of way at all times. As does everybody else. This rule has been criticised for causing chaos and numerous small child pile ups. However, the toddlers refuse to consider any amendment: they’re too busy all running at once.
2. Give Way
Under no circumstances should you ever give way. The presence of other toddler road users, cats, baby siblings or tables in no way negates this rule.
3. Lane control
Weaving is favoured. Lanes should be changed as erratically as possible. As should direction. Ploughing into oncoming traffic (i.e. baby siblings) is encouraged.
4. Checks before manoeuvring
It is very important that you do not, under any circumstances, check behind you before performing a manoeuvre. Do not check in front of you either. If you are able, perform the manoeuvre with your eyes actually closed.
Crossings are neither acknowledged nor respected in the Toddler Highway Code. All persons attempting to cross the path of a toddler do so at their peril.
The basic toddler parking manoeuvre of sitting on your bottom should be performed suddenly and in the middle of the thoroughfare.
Acceleration towards all walls and other hard objects is encouraged.
Should be sudden and for no apparent reason.
The aim here is to overtake in the most dangerous, impractical manner possible. Close overtaking of wobbly baby siblings is approved. Overtaking in doorways, narrow spaces and on corners is ideal. Elbows should be used wherever possible.
Proper toddler passage should be accompanied by as many distractions as possible. Phone use, wand waving, talking and having a basket on your head are all encouraged. Under no circumstances should you be looking where you are going.
It should be noted that it is usual practice to be screaming at all times during toddler transit. The toddlers would like it to be known that this is in no way a reflection upon the reasonableness or safety of the Toddler Highway Code.