The Toddler Highway Code

girl-358301_1280Toddlers, of course, spend a lot of time on the move. As such, they have needed to formulate a set of rules for navigating the busy toddler thoroughfares of the living room, bedroom, garden, park or softplay.

 

The Toddler Highway Code

(Applicable to all toddler roads and pathways. I.e. anywhere a toddler is choosing to toddle at any given moment.)

 
1. Right of Way

Under toddler road rules, a toddler has right of way at all times. As does everybody else. This rule has been criticised for causing chaos and numerous small child pile ups. However, the toddlers refuse to consider any amendment: they’re too busy all running at once.

2. Give Way

Under no circumstances should you ever give way. The presence of other toddler road users, cats, baby siblings or tables in no way negates this rule.

3. Lane control

Weaving is favoured. Lanes should be changed as erratically as possible. As should direction. Ploughing into oncoming traffic (i.e. baby siblings) is encouraged.

4. Checks before manoeuvring

It is very important that you do not, under any circumstances, check behind you before performing a manoeuvre. Do not check in front of you either. If you are able, perform the manoeuvre with your eyes actually closed.

5. Crossings

Crossings are neither acknowledged nor respected in the Toddler Highway Code. All persons attempting to cross the path of a toddler do so at their peril.

6. Parking

The basic toddler parking manoeuvre of sitting on your bottom should be performed suddenly and in the middle of the thoroughfare.

7. Acceleration

Acceleration towards all walls and other hard objects is encouraged.

8. Braking

Should be sudden and for no apparent reason.

9. Overtaking

The aim here is to overtake in the most dangerous, impractical manner possible. Close overtaking of wobbly baby siblings is approved. Overtaking in doorways, narrow spaces and on corners is ideal. Elbows should be used wherever possible.

10. Distractions

Proper toddler passage should be accompanied by as many distractions as possible. Phone use, wand waving, talking and having a basket on your head are all encouraged. Under no circumstances should you be looking where you are going.

 
 
It should be noted that it is usual practice to be screaming at all times during toddler transit. The toddlers would like it to be known that this is in no way a reflection upon the reasonableness or safety of the Toddler Highway Code.

44 comments

  1. Mrs Tubbs says:

    How they don’t have more toddler related accidents I don’t know. The Tubblet was a total safety hazard when she was a toddler. And there would be littering … You would know them by the trail of their toys!

  2. Kat says:

    Why do they have to run everywhere? Even in the flat you live in when there bedroom is ten steps from the living room? Children just have no spacial awareness! When do they develop that sense? Does it ever come in? Remember as they get older they will start to attempt cartwheels, handstands and ballet dance moves whilst walking diagonally and narrowly avoiding lamposts. #kcacols

  3. This is brilliant! With two toddlers and a baby in my house, am observing the Highway Code being scrupulously followed. Living room is a disaster but thanks to you I am now smiling 🙂

  4. This is brilliant! With two toddlers and a baby in the house, am observing the Highway Code being scrupulously followed. Living room is a disaster but thanks to you I am now smiling 🙂

  5. Linda Hobden says:

    I really do love your way of writing about toddlers & children – and this post doesn’t disappoint! It makes me giggle as I read it and takes me back to the antics of my 5 children at that age…. ?

  6. Leanne says:

    this reminds me of toddlers in shopping centres – they are SO erratic – no matter which way you try to manouever around them, they still manage to careen into you below the knees. Heaven help us when their parents let them push those mini trolleys around at the same time – it’s a death wish for everyone! Great post 🙂

  7. This is hilarious. I particularly like the part about just ploughing through anything in the way and the disclaimer about screaming!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

  8. Karen says:

    That’s hilarious! I’m on baby atm but love watching the toddlers from the safety of the baby corner., although not always safe from toddlers there too! #AnythingGoes

  9. Haha another great one! My eldest likes to run/walk about with his eyes closed, deliberately, too. And walk backwards like it. What is that all about? It’s like they *want* to injure themselves ? #KCACOLS

  10. Bahahaha, I love it, as always!! Yes, my toddlers strictly adhere to ALL of the above rules, and take each and every one of them very seriously. In fact, if the youngest toddler doesn’t injure someone during every single transition, he consider himself, and his entire existence, a complete failure! I am witness to toddler pile ups due to the nature of every toddler we know, also adhering strictly to the rules, on a daily basis.
    Great post! Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink!

  11. Haha the one rule of toddler highways when you have no toddler is move out of the way – move quick as there is usually a mummy in hot pursuit xx I made my 8 year old walk in a certain row of pavement the other day as she kept wondering into my path and nearly tripping me. It never goes away 🙂 x #coolmumclub p.s. I want to write in this font for forever – how cool is it x

  12. MMT says:

    Reading this conjoured up images of Tigs whizzing round the house on her scooter, which she has become accustomed to doing. Poor dangermouse has become quite the hit and run victim!
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

  13. This sounds about right! My little one seems to think she has the right of way all the time. Dont even get me started on all the rest.. Dangerous drivers, the lot of them 😉 Thanks for sharing this on #MarvMondays. Emily

  14. Ha! Oh my daughter is just the same. I think a lot of the highway rules boil down to the one main rule of – me first. So crazy passing & speeding is acceptable to achieve first place. Babies beware. lol Thanks so much for joining us for #bloggerclubuk, hope you will be back again tomorrow! x

  15. Baby Anon says:

    This made me absolutely properly LOL as it’s alllllll true. I myself have many distractions in the course of my day to day movements including Mother’s mobile phone, the TV remote, the coasters, all of which are rightfully mine to stick in my mouth x #chucklemums

  16. Accelerate towards walls – pahahahahaha!!! Sodding brillaint as always Lucy!xxx
    My toddler sat down in the middle of the aisle in Morrisons today and I got ‘the look’ from a nu,mber of people. Don’t you just love them?! x
    #chucklemums

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