The Toddler Vote

You may have heard that the youth vote has become a big issue in British politics, after Corbyn effectively harnessed the youth vote for Labour in the recent election. However, Labour do not have the support of all of the country’s youth. Oh no, the toddler vote is firmly with May and her Tories. The Tories may not be the natural party of government, as they have always claimed, but they are certainly the natural party of toddlers.

 
Hard Brexit

Mrs May’s Brexit strategy is every toddler who has ever stood on the back of the sofa with an ambitious plan to jump onto the coffee table. It’s not going to work, it has not been thought out, someone is going to get hurt. Sane adults are standing on the sideline yelling ‘Do not do that! Don’t you dare do that! You have been warned! No one gave you permission to do that! This is the stupidest thing you have ever done!’ Meanwhile, the toddler is screaming back ‘I don’t care! I’ve committed now! I might die, but dying is better than climbing off this sofa in an organised and measured manner!’ In short, toddlers approve of Mrs May’s Brexit strategy, because it is exactly what they would do. Of course, a toddler’s still developing brain means that they lack appropriate reasoning abilities. But we won’t let that undermine our opinion of Mrs May’s intellect.

 
The NHS

Toddler health services tend to involve an overworked staff (usually moonlighting in several other jobs including, but not limited to, builder, knight, hairdresser and astronaut), being paid in raisins, working with limited (often imaginary) supplies, in an entirely unregulated manner. Toddlers are perfectly willing to sell off their health service, such as it is, to the person offering them the most cheese. This essentially appears to be Mrs May’s exact plan for the NHS.

 
U-turns

Toddlers love a good u-turn. In fact, prior to Mrs May’s decision that she was actually going to hold the snap General Election that she definitely wasn’t going to hold, the record for fastest and most extreme u-turn had been held by Amelia, aged 2, from Wolverhampton. Amelia had made it into the record books after realising how much she hates jam in the time it took to spread it on the toast following her request for jam on toast, a request which she hadn’t expected anyone to remember, and which she didn’t feel particularly contradicted her current hating jam position.

 
Ridiculous Appointments to Positions of Power

Yes, Mrs May appears to be presiding over the most incompetent government of all time, and who in their right minds would appoint Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary?? Nonetheless, toddlers are not particularly concerned. Mrs May’s cabinet kind of makes sense to the sort of people who appoint baby siblings as knights, tasked with rescuing a plastic leek being held prisoner by the mantlepiece, only to fire the confused baby knight in favour of sending the goldfish on the quest instead. Plus none of them have queried a pig, who refers to himself as ‘daddy’ in a professional capacity, going to work in a job that appears to be the drawing of triangles. They were never really going to notice anything off about Boris, were they?

 
Privacy

Mrs May doesn’t really like the right to privacy (or any other human rights). She wants to spy on everyone and monitor the internet. She remains less draconian than toddlers, however, who consider that even toilet trips must be monitored.

 
Police Cuts

Unpopular with many voters, toddlers actually fully support Mrs May’s cuts to the police force. Cuts to the police mean less available officers to handle all those requests being made by parents for officers to be sent to deal with bedtime infractions being committed by suspects described as ‘naughty toddlers’. In fact, the toddlers have noticed that there often aren’t even sufficient police staff available to actually speak to when parents call the ‘Naughty Toddler Police’. It frequently appears that the parents are speaking to themselves. The toddlers believe they have Mrs May to thank for that.

 
Social Conscience/Morality

Toddlers are actually okay with the idea of taking things away from people who need them and not even being sorry. That’s what toddlers do on Tuesdays.

 
DUP Deal

The toddlers are less horrified by Mrs May’s deal with the DUP than most. They are unfazed by the bribery aspect. They operate almost exclusively on a system of bribes themselves, and most have been able to ensure their demands for 1.5 billion animal biscuits in exchange for a confidence and supply agreement* with parents for supermarket trips are met. Nor do they consider Mrs May’s choice of ‘friends’ particularly shocking or strange. Why, their own friends are also prone to supporting violence, believing in far-fetched nonsense, having little concept of the age of anything, and holding some odd views about dinosaurs.

(*I.e. an agreement whereby parents can be confident of being able to obtain supplies from at least two aisles of the supermarket before tantrums/escapes occur.)

 
 
It should be noted that, prior to the election, the Labour Party was also enjoying significant success amongst toddler voters. The party’s policy of fighting amongst themselves for no apparent reason was extremely popular with toddlers. However, since reducing the extent to which they behave like, well, toddlers, the Parliamentary Labour Party has rather fallen from grace with the pre-school demographic.

15 comments

  1. Jennifer says:

    “Toddlers are actually okay with the idea of taking things away from people who need them and not even being sorry. That’s what toddlers do on Tuesdays.” That’s what Orange small hands do every day.

  2. Anna Brophy says:

    A great, simple round up of the political situation. As an Aussie, I hear bits and pieces, but have no real idea. Sometimes, we just need to have a sense of humour about it all!! #FridayFrolics

  3. Liz Deacle says:

    Well done! you’ve explained a political situation perfectly to a girl who has no idea about politics! You’re so clever!! Thanks for hosting this fabulous linky x
    #FridayFrolics

  4. Emma says:

    I know that Amelia from Wolverhampton, she’s living with me! As for May, she is a toddler! She threw her toys out of the pram too, got in a strop and refused to accept that it was of her own doing. She needs to take a hard look at herself or someone needs to put her on the time-out step! #FridayFrolics

  5. I’m loving everything about this. Well, except for the fact that our word leaders behave like small children, anyway.

    Like you said, toddlers’ brains are still developing, so they have an excuse for being selfish and irrational. But May? Not so much. And let’s not even talk about Trump. #FridayFrolics

  6. This makes such sense when seen through the eyes of a toddler! The bribery one is spot on. I wonder if toddler could actually run this country more efficiently than the current government to be honest. Very funny! #FridayFrolics

  7. Fizzyjazzle says:

    I was gonna say Houses of Parliament are like a crèche for petulant self obsessed overgrown toddlers!
    And I agree at least toddlers are cute sometimes and easily distracted by chocolate buttons! #fridayfrolics

  8. Tubbs says:

    There was a story in one of the papers that at some point May was going to storm out of the Brexit negotiations to prove how determined she was to get the best deal for the UK. The was totally for the papers. Taking your bat and ball and going home and showing off. Totally toddler.

  9. James Hopes says:

    At least with toddlers there is the chance that they will grow into something resembling a decent human being. Politicians not so much! Loved this though! #FridayFrolics

  10. Brilliant as always, my fav is the toddler jumping to the coffee table – adults be like frozen in the headlights – you know you’ll never make it there in time so scream whilst frozen on the spot in a futile attempt to prevent disaster happening.
    #fridayfrolics

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