If toddler settlers have arrived at your house, you are probably experiencing frontier expansion. Like the frontiersmen of the Wild West, Toddler settlers believe in Manifest Destiny. Everything is theirs, just waiting for them to stake their claim. As such, toddler frontiersmen push forward, seizing rooms and property from the native parents of the house. Welcome to the Toddler West.
1. Cat Drives
In a similar, though not entirely identical, endeavour to that of the settlers of the Wild West, toddler frontiersmen frequently engage in cat driving (no, that isn’t written wrongly). Toddler cowboys (catboys), riding broomsticks, make valiant attempts to herd the cat into the frontier lands. Cat herding, however, is a difficult job. The cats, taking refuge behind the sofa, often have to be left behind as the quest for new settlements continues.
Some extremely foolish toddler settlers set themselves up as cat rustlers. Attempts to rustle cats who have already been subjected to toddler herding are not advisable.
2. The Gold Rush
The gold rush is as popular with toddler settlers as it was with the settlers of the West. Transient communities of toddlers spring up around shiny items. These communities are greed driven and prone to violence. Once the shiny items reserves have been depleted (eaten/lost under the sofa), the settlements are deserted. The toddlers move on to the next room, leaving a ghost town – littered with the remnants of toddler life (Lego, mostly) – in the living room.
3. Tending the Land
In the early days of the West, frontiersmen tended to farm their land poorly, abandoning settlements once the land was ruined. Toddler settlers employ similar methods, destroying rooms and moving on.
4. Law and Order
Toddler frontier settlements, like those of the Wild West, are often lawless. Parental sheriffs frequently lack authority in the face of toddlers armed with an abundance of weapons (Lego, mostly).
All toddlers settlers are, of course, outlaws. Toddlers have never heard a rule they can’t ignore. Seriously, they never heard a rule. They were shouting at the time.
The frequency of duelling and brawling in the Wild West is often suggested to have been exaggerated. The frequency of duelling and brawling in toddler frontier settlements has not been exaggerated.
Toddler highwaymen are a constant threat to baby siblings carrying treasure (Lego, mostly).
The bandits of the Wild West frequently robbed banks and trains. Toddler bandits take train robbery very literally, making off with the whole train (bonus points if a sibling was playing with it at the time).
Much like the settlers of the American West, toddler frontiersmen have an unfortunate habit of transmitting disease to the native occupants (parents) of their settled lands.
As in the Wild West, Squatters are rife on the toddler frontier. Toddler squatters are commonly found in parents’ bedrooms, on the living room floor at bedtime, and in bathrooms other people are trying to use.
The gunslingers of the Wild West have their parallels in the dangerous raisinslingers of the Toddler West. Raisinslingers stalk the toddler streets, brandishing boxes of raisins. With their quick draw and keen aim, raisinslingers are able riddle entire rooms with their small, squishy bullets.
8. Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral
The settlement of Toddlerstone is, of course, known for the notorious Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral. The famed toddler stand off left multiple toddlers pretending to have been turned into frogs.