The Toddler West

Gird_block_tombstoneIf toddler settlers have arrived at your house, you are probably experiencing frontier expansion. Like the frontiersmen of the Wild West, Toddler settlers believe in Manifest Destiny. Everything is theirs, just waiting for them to stake their claim. As such, toddler frontiersmen push forward, seizing rooms and property from the native parents of the house. Welcome to the Toddler West.

1. Cat Drives

In a similar, though not entirely identical, endeavour to that of the settlers of the Wild West, toddler frontiersmen frequently engage in cat driving (no, that isn’t written wrongly). Toddler cowboys (catboys), riding broomsticks, make valiant attempts to herd the cat into the frontier lands. Cat herding, however, is a difficult job. The cats, taking refuge behind the sofa, often have to be left behind as the quest for new settlements continues.

Some extremely foolish toddler settlers set themselves up as cat rustlers. Attempts to rustle cats who have already been subjected to toddler herding are not advisable.

2. The Gold Rush

The gold rush is as popular with toddler settlers as it was with the settlers of the West. Transient communities of toddlers spring up around shiny items. These communities are greed driven and prone to violence. Once the shiny items reserves have been depleted (eaten/lost under the sofa), the settlements are deserted. The toddlers move on to the next room, leaving a ghost town – littered with the remnants of toddler life (Lego, mostly) – in the living room.

3. Tending the Land

In the early days of the West, frontiersmen tended to farm their land poorly, abandoning settlements once the land was ruined. Toddler settlers employ similar methods, destroying rooms and moving on.

4. Law and Order

Toddler frontier settlements, like those of the Wild West, are often lawless. Parental sheriffs frequently lack authority in the face of toddlers armed with an abundance of weapons (Lego, mostly).

All toddlers settlers are, of course, outlaws. Toddlers have never heard a rule they can’t ignore. Seriously, they never heard a rule. They were shouting at the time.

The frequency of duelling and brawling in the Wild West is often suggested to have been exaggerated. The frequency of duelling and brawling in toddler frontier settlements has not been exaggerated.

Toddler highwaymen are a constant threat to baby siblings carrying treasure (Lego, mostly).

The bandits of the Wild West frequently robbed banks and trains. Toddler bandits take train robbery very literally, making off with the whole train (bonus points if a sibling was playing with it at the time).

5. Disease

Much like the settlers of the American West, toddler frontiersmen have an unfortunate habit of transmitting disease to the native occupants (parents) of their settled lands.

6. Squatters

As in the Wild West, Squatters are rife on the toddler frontier. Toddler squatters are commonly found in parents’ bedrooms, on the living room floor at bedtime, and in bathrooms other people are trying to use.

7. Gunslinging

The gunslingers of the Wild West have their parallels in the dangerous raisinslingers of the Toddler West. Raisinslingers stalk the toddler streets, brandishing boxes of raisins. With their quick draw and keen aim, raisinslingers are able riddle entire rooms with their small, squishy bullets.

8. Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral

The settlement of Toddlerstone is, of course, known for the notorious Wand Fight at the O.K. Corral. The famed toddler stand off left multiple toddlers pretending to have been turned into frogs.




  1. Catboys! 🙂 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
    This is bloody genius. So funny.
    The squatters one definitely happens in this house…actually all of them bar the cat driving as i’m allergic to them…
    Shared about too. All the best with the award noms!

  2. Ha ha so true! The not hearing rules – brilliant! The poor cat – have you got boys by any chance? Oh and disease – yuck but so so true … oh and the squatters – still here as teens doing the same tricks as toddlers! Fab post #passthesauce

  3. Michelle says:

    I love the Cat driving! That’s so familiar in my house only my 9 year old is a cat rustler. It hasn’t ended unfortunately. He is constantly picking up his cat. Poor thing just takes it until he starts meowing then I jump in and rescue the poor thing, LOL! I love this whole comparison between toddlers and the wild west! That’s awesome! Popping over from #bloggerclubuk

  4. Haha! This is spot on – as the sheriff, I’m still wrestling with my own tiny outlaw as she exits the toddler years. And when there are no cats to herd, squirrels are an acceptable substitute (until they scarper up a tree).

  5. Haha this is great! My toddler is a right cat rustler – he hold her by her tail (which the crazy feline actively flicks into his hand) and then goes for a walk with her like a dog on a lead… kids eh?

  6. ShoeboxofM says:

    The parallels are uncanny! The running gag on lego was good. We’ve gone beyond train robbery and into full on demolition. No iron horse will travel these lands. Not in Cub Town.


  7. brilliantly written and very clever – i particularly like the spreading diseases to the natives part, damn those awful toddler colds they bring home from nursery! #passthesauce

  8. Karen says:

    Ha ha, love it. Your poor cat. I’ve a vivid image of it quivering round the back of the sofa! Very original post. Very worthy of a BiB’s nominee, well done. Thanks for linking up to #familyfun

  9. Talya says:

    Ha! I love this. I literally have some mad image in my head of a cowboy town run by toddlers…all swaggering around with stetsons on! Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely and making me chuckle as always! x

  10. Madeline says:

    Oh man, the disease spreading! Why are they such germ-spreaders?! Between my 2 year old and my 5 year old we’ve barely had a day all year when we’ve all been well! x #KCACOLS

  11. Tammymum says:

    This had me actual LOL as I watch my lawless toddler jump on her dad! Very clever and very funny post. Thanks for linking up at #KCACOLs. Hope you can come back again next Sunday xx

  12. I love the comparison of toddlers to settlers! It’s so fitting. Not only do they rape and pillage the land, they leave legos in their wake. Unsuspecting parents/original dwellers step on these pieces of destruction left behind, and injury ensues. Along with hopping on one foot and screaming in pain. Those toddlers definitely leave their mark, don’t they!

  13. Jade Lloyd says:

    I want to borrow your brain for a day please, your posts are so funny and creative..mine are more like today my son pretended to be a sausage…Toddler squatters lol #KCACOLS

  14. Oh this sounds all too familiar! I definitely have a toddler settler on my hands in this house. So many of the above scenarios are daily occurances and slowly wearing this native down! Sounds like we need a new sherrif in town 😉 Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays and good luck with your BiBs nomination!! Emily

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