The Toddlers’ Alternative Facts

Having previously supported Brexit (twice), it is with alarm that I note The Toddlers are now cheerfully embracing the Trump regime’s ‘alternative facts’.

In no particular order, I present The Toddlers’ Top Ten Alternative Facts of the week:

1. This is not dinner, it is ‘alternative lunch’

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby refused to have dinner. That is, she was happy to eat the food, but only if we would concede that she was eating lunch, despite it being 6pm, and lunch already having been eaten that day.

2. This is not naughty, this is ‘alternative good’

In which The Toddlers promised to behave for a brief trip to the supermarket, wreaked havoc, ran away, The Artist Formerly Known as Standing Up became The Artist Now Known as on Her Back in the Middle of the Aisle, and they subsequently adamantly claimed that they had indeed behaved.

3. This is not cheese, this is Babybel

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler claimed she does not like cheese (anymore) but likes Babybel.

4. I did not want this

In which the Artist Always Known as The Toddler pulled off a double and refused to eat the previously requested Babybel, claiming never to have wanted it.

5. This is not Ring a Ring o Roses, this is ‘Alternative The Hokey Cokey’

In which The Artist Always Known as The Toddler became enraged at Mummy singing The Hokey Cokey wrong by missing out many lyrics that have always been there before. Namely: ‘A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down.’ These lyrics have emphatically never been part of Ring a Ring o Roses, which is not a different song.

6. This is not an entire box of tissues on the floor

In which The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, standing in a tissuey pile of evidence to the contrary, maintained that she had followed instructions to take just ONE tissue.

7. This is not a meerkat, it is an ‘alternative tiger’

In which the previously cool reputation of tigers took something of a battering at the hands of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby, who was looking at a pack of meerkats that were definitely tigers.

8. This is not hers, it is ‘alternative mine’

The favoured alternative fact of both toddlers, at all times. Quickly followed by…

9. It was not a push, it was an ‘alternative hug’

The Artist Always Known as The Toddler’s ‘alternative hugs’ tend to be followed by The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s ‘alternative haircuts’ (ie, pulling out a handful of hair).

10. This is not disobedience, this is ‘alternative doing exactly what you asked, Mummy’

In which The Toddlers helpfully assisted in a number of activities by doing exactly as they were asked…in a manner that in no way resembled what they were asked to do.


  1. Loved 3 and 4 Babybelgate! That is classic toddler/trump behaviour which took me right back to those times with my two. I’d like to report that tweenagers don’t do this anymore but we’ve recently had a yoghurt stand off of epic proportions in our house. The hiatus left me with several loitering petit filous languishing in my fridge for weeks! Also loved number 1o which again goes on on a daily basis chez tweenagers so I feel your pain! #fridayfrolics

  2. Haha brilliant. My daughter is also a fan of alternatively doing exactly what I asked usually involving not putting her dolls away but playing with them instead Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  3. Linda Hobden says:

    I do so love reading about the antics of your toddlers … I remember this happening when mine were little …. and, I hate to admit it, when my sister and I were young (I’m the oldest), one day she was being particularly annoying – I was 6 and a map fanatic and I was looking at my favourite atlas; my sister was 3 and wanted to play a game. My sister slipped and hit her forehead on the side of the wardrobe. My sister was whisked to A & E, with me in tow, and up to that point neither of us told our parents how it happened. The nurse asked what had happened, my sister piped up: we were playing masters and slaves and I was the slave! …. definitely inventive!

  4. Nadine says:

    LOL WE are definitely heading to this stage with our toddler too! He’s discovered big words this week which is making it hard to keep a straight face. He is a pretty quiet kiddo and doesn’t speak a lot so to hear him scream in a sweet toddler voice “I’m frustrated” is almost more than I can bear LOL

  5. Nadine says:

    This is awesome! MY toddler is just heading into this stage. He loves to use big words now. Which is so sweet and funny to hear because he is a pretty quiet little guy and he has the sweetest voice, so it’s almost more than i can bear to hear him yell “I’m frustrated” – usually said mid diaper change after yelling Let me GO! #KCACOLS

  6. I don’t know why I haven’t come across any of your posts for a while, I missed them! This one made me laugh, in our house we have “alternative bedtime”, not to be confused with playtime of course! Definitely a worrying tendency in world leaders to behave like toddlers. #KCACOLS

  7. I’ve heard it said that children view the world with ‘kid logic’ but I like your spin on it; they are simply touting ‘alternative facts.’ It is as crazy making as the news stories circulating!

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