They Have Returned: Protect Yourselves

*THIS IS AN URGENT PUBLIC SERVICE BULLETIN*
 
 
They have returned. They are rising. The invasion is underway. Some are speaking of the apocalypse, though there has been no official statement on this yet.

 
What we are being told officially, however, is this:

 
1. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to travel. Do not attempt to reach loved ones. The public are advised to avoid all contact with the assailants.

 
2. Gather essential supplies, in case of a siege situation. Stockpile water and canned goods. They often gather in doorways and windows, and you may be unable to get out.

 
3. Avoid corners. DO NOT GO TO HIGHER GROUND.

 
4. Stay in a group, if possible. Keep a lookout at all times. Remember, you do not need to outrun them, you just need to outrun your friends. Sacrificing slow members of the group is entirely acceptable. This is about survival.

 
5. Know your enemy. They move strangely, but they are surprisingly fast. They are relentless. They are absolutely evil. Do not feel compassion for them. Compassion will be your undoing. And never, ever hesitate. Do what has to be done. They must die.

 
6. Collect weapons and keep them with you at all times. A large trainer and a vacuum cleaner are essential. Do not use a cat. Cats are a useless weapon against this threat. They are always full of confidence, but they never fail to f**k it up. They will play with the enemy and then lose it – do not make the mistake of joining forces with the cat.

 
7. The assailants can only be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. Nothing else will work. They cannot be drowned or stabbed. It is tempting to run for your life and burn your house to the ground, but you can be sure that they will rise from the wreckage. The only way is to smash their heads to smithereens with a trainer and vacuum up the pieces.

 
8. Stay vigilant. Stay safe. And always remember, under NO circumstances, ever, ever lift up that mug on the floor.

 
 
*THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THE SPIDERS HAVE RETURNED. PROTECT YOUR HOMES. PROTECT YOUR FAMILIES. REMOVE THE HEAD OR DESTROY THE BRAIN. DO NOT LET THE CAT HAVE A GO. DO NOT LIFT UP THE MUG. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.*

 
 

24 comments

  1. Emma says:

    Oh good grief I hate spiders. Still traumatised from waking up in the middle of the night to find a large one sat on my face, over my eye, casually stroking my cheek with one of its 8 legs. *shudders* #FridayFrolics

  2. They have not returned here yet since we’ve had a dreadful ‘spring’ but next week we are due for some 60-70 degree weather. Thank you for this well timed warning. At the same time that I will be accosted by these potential killers, men will be taking off their shirts revealing upper torsos that have not fared well over the winter. White, pasty and needing a bra, these half naked bodies and invasion of the spiders are enough to make me wish for a perpetual winter.

  3. Lee Gaitan says:

    And they are devious, sometimes going about their desruction indirectly–like crawling under the threshold so the dog tears up the carpet, trying to get at it…on the very first day in your new house.

  4. Lee Gaitan says:

    And they are devious, sometimes going about their destruction indirectly–like crawling under the threshold so the dog tears up the carpet, trying to get at it…on the very first day in your new house.

  5. Robin says:

    OMG! This is hilarious! I just told my daughters — we are an all-girl household. There is NO ONE ELSE TO CALL when you see a spider, ant, or whatever it is. And, just because I am the MOM does NOT mean I am in charge of bug removal. In fact, I am not even the tallest person in the house! Girls — it’s time to MAN UP and get rid of the bugs! It’s the WORST! And, I’m screaming on the inside right along with them!

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