(*The more eagle-eyed and numerate among you may notice that ten this week actually appears to be eleven.)
Silly Mummy presents The Toddler:
1. On that noisy, what it is
The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noisy?’
Silly Mummy isn’t sure what noise she means: ‘What noise? Do you mean the tumble drier?’
The Toddler has resolved the issue for herself: ‘Oh no, Mummy, it’s just my bottom!’
2. On Mummy, trying to help her
Silly Mummy is getting some food for The Baby. The Toddler sidles over: ‘Can The Toddler help?’ There isn’t really anything for The Toddler to do. She restates her purpose in the kitchen: ‘The Toddler is trying to help.’ Silly Mummy is finished. ‘Oh, Mummy all done.’
3. On exaggeration
The Toddler is looking at some writing. ‘Says The Toddler’s name!’ It doesn’t. ‘Says 94 times! The Toddler’s name 94 times!’ 94 times? What an oddly specific exaggeration. Also, why does The Toddler know the numbers 1-10 and 94? Where has 94 come from?
4. On thinking so
The Toddler is attempting to wander away in Grandma’s shoes. Silly Mummy says, ‘Are you stealing Grandma’s shoes?’
The Toddler nods, ‘Think so.’
The Toddler is chattering to herself about the circus she went to. ‘Went to circus. With Grandma. And Daddy. Fun. All gone. More circus. Think so.’
The Toddler is pretending to take photos with a phone. She waves it at Daddy: ‘Cheese!’ She waves it at The Baby: ‘Cheese!’ She waves it at Silly Mummy’s toes.
‘Should my toes say cheese?’
‘Yes, think so, Mummy.’
(Yes, if another ‘Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said’ list is compiled, ‘should my toes say cheese’ will be in there.)
5. On The Baby’s food, checking it
Silly Mummy brings out The Baby’s food. The Toddler looks up from her own food. ‘The Baby’s food. The Toddler check.’
Silly Mummy is confused: ‘For what?’
‘Just check.’ Silly Mummy holds the bowl out to The Toddler. She looks and nods. ‘Okay, Mummy.’ The Baby may now eat. What The Toddler was checking for remains unknown, though seeing whether she wanted to eat The Baby’s food herself seems a likely explanation.
6. On Mummy, further offers of help (how incompetent does The Toddler think Silly Mummy is?)
Silly Mummy is about to dress The Baby. The Toddler worries about whether Silly Mummy is up to the task: ‘Need help? Hmm?’
7. On forgetfulness, convenient
The Toddler has eaten an unusually big lunch. She asks for the obligatory after lunch yoghurt. We discuss The Toddler having the yoghurt later, after a break. The big lunch and the risk of exploding toddler are all covered in the discussion. We confirm that The Toddler will therefore have yoghurt later. Not now. She will go and play first. Okay? The Toddler nods. She says, ‘Yes.’ That agreed, Daddy gets up from the table. The Toddler says, ‘Getting The Toddler’s yoghurt, Daddy!’
8. On Mummy, go
Daddy is napping (this will be relevant later). The Toddler has a phone. It is not her phone. It is a real phone. The Toddler is not being careful. The Toddler is in the settings. The owner of the phone is starting to look anxious. Mummy says, ‘Are you breaking the phone?’
‘No! The Toddler is talking! Mummy, go! Go! Wake up Daddy!’ Well, that was rude. It was also unrelated to the matter in hand: what The Toddler is doing to the phone settings. The Toddler has clearly learnt the art of distraction.
9. On giving up, quickly
The Toddler ‘leaves’ regularly. Sometimes she has a bag. Sometimes she has a remote control and a plastic cabbage. This time it is an impromptu trip: she has not packed. She gets up abruptly and heads in the direction of the front door: ‘Time to go now. Bye bye, Mummy. Unlock door, please, Mummy.’
Silly Mummy is succinct, abrupt even: ‘No.’
‘Oh, alright.’ Trip cancelled due to inability to open door, The Toddler returns and sits down.
10. On the egg, wanting to be alone
The Toddler is carefully arranging a plastic egg on the sideboard. ‘Egg go up here. Leave it alone. Up here. The Toddler leave it alone.’ Yes, eggs are notoriously solitary creatures. Should you find one, take it quickly and quietly to the nearest isolated sideboard, and back away slowly.
11(oops). On manners, goodbyes
The Toddler is saying goodbye to her Great Aunt and Uncle. She has been shaking hands with everyone all afternoon. As they stand up to leave, we jokingly tell The Toddler to shake hands and say ‘goodbye, nice to meet you’. The Toddler dutifully shakes hands. She does not say ‘goodbye, nice to meet you’. She says, ‘Bye. Bye. Bye. Go.’ Charming.
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me