Toddler History (Toddler Lessons: Part Four)

Queen_Victoria_18873In Part Four of the Toddler Lessons series, we are studying History.

Toddlers understand that there is much we can learn from studying history. Here are five historical periods that have had a great influence on toddlers.

1. The Roman Empire

Like the Romans, Toddlers like to take the straightest possible route, carving their roads directly through the middle of toys, furniture and other people. All Roman roads led to Rome. All toddler roads lead to trouble.

Toddlers share with Romans a talent for leaving a permanent mark on the world. Some Roman structures have impressively stood for more than 2000 years. This is approximately how long toddler handprints will remain, irremovable, on the wall of your house.

Like Caligula (allegedly), toddlers are extremely likely to appoint a horse (or the cat, Iggle Piggle, or a very important piece of Lego) as their chief adviser.

In language similarities, no one really understands how either Latin or toddler verbs are conjugated.

2. The Dark Ages

Much like the Dark Ages, very little is actually understood about toddlers. Most of what is believed to be known about toddlers is, in fact, wrong.

Records of the Toddler Ages are mostly limited to blurred photographs of the ever moving subject, which tell us very little, and self-taken portraits of knees. Historians have bitterly debated the significance of knees to toddlers, with no agreement yet reached. Most written records of the Toddler Ages have been eaten, shredded or dipped in porridge.

There is known to be much crying and yelling during the Toddler Ages, but the causes of this remain a mystery to scholars and parents.

3. Tudors and Stuarts

Toddlers typically take quite a lot of their day-to-day lives from the reign of the Tudors and Stuarts. Like fickle affections. Yesterday’s favourite person is today liable to be divorced/beheaded/prodded with a tiny but lethal finger/called a naughty wolf (delete as applicable, depending on whether you are dealing with a toddler or Henry VIII). Following the teachings of their Tudor mentors, toddler ideologies are also subject to abrupt change. Everyone will be required to follow the toddler’s firmly held beliefs (it is 9am and therefore time for lunch), or be subjected to interrogation (‘Why?’) and torture (beatings with a plastic teapot). The beliefs themselves, however, will be abandoned and replaced with different beliefs quicker than you can say ‘Reformation’. ‘No, Mummy, we hate Mr Tumble.’ But…you cried for two hours this morning because you wanted to watch him.

If you have a toddler, just like the Stuarts, they have probably brought the Great Plague home from nursery (put chamomile lotion on it).

Neither toddlers nor the people of the Stuart period can be trusted with baking. (Though, in all fairness, The Great Fire of London might have been responsible for ending the Great Plague of London (see above). Of course, toddler baking is likely to only succeed in ending the cupcake tray. And Mummy’s eyebrow.)

Punch and Judy was introduced to England during the Stuart reign. It is introduced to most toddler households on a daily basis. Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be a Tuesday with a toddler unless the baby has been mishandled, someone has been yelled at, everyone has been hit repeatedly with some kind of stick-like implement, and a toy crocodile has turned up for no apparent reason. ‘That’s the way to do it!’

4. The Victorian Era

Toddlers have a great deal in common with the Victorians. They like to play with trains. They are very excited by telephones. They enjoy child labour. (Toddlers would willingly march off to the workhouse or scale a chimney. As long as they thought adults were doing it and they were not allowed, of course.) Any item of clothing that it is virtually impossible to walk in, and completely impossible to sit down in, is favoured as the most practical thing to wear by toddlers, just as it was for the Victorians before them. Bonus points if it trails on the floor and trips them up.

5. First World War

Toddlers seem to follow the model of the First World War for most of their conflicts. As such, toddler wars appear to involve pretty much anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. They largely revolve around vicious, but ultimately futile, battles, which don’t actually result in any kind of movement on either side. Following great blood shed, occupation of the disputed area of sofa remains unchanged. No one has the faintest idea how the war actually started or why they are fighting in it.


(Please Note: These eras are listed in correct chronological order. That is about as far as I guarantee the historical accuracy of this post.)


You can see other posts in my Toddler Lessons series here.

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  1. Helen says:

    Hilarious and informative in equal measures. I shall also be instructing a piece of Lego as my chief advisor (it would impress my kids) and hope that they don’t grow tired of me and ‘do a Tudor’! Brilliant. #MarvMondays

  2. This is total genius and entirely factually correct on the part of my toddler! I chuckled my way through this post.
    I shall follow suit in appointing a chief advisor, from here on in mine shall be wine x #fartglitter

  3. I think this is my favourite lesson with art close behind (we’re getting more abstract here not less). We are firmly in the Tudor & Stuart times…ah yes my own little Henry VIII fickle to the core and moonlighting at Punch and Judy #bestandworst

  4. Min says:

    Loved this! I have lost count of how many times Piglet has brought the Great Plague home from nursery. He is yet to accuse me of being a naughty wolf, but it’s early days. #coolmumclub

  5. Ha, ha! I love this. Such a witty post 🙂 I can definitely concur with our toddler like the Romans, having a talent for leaving permanent marks around the world, or rather, around the walls of our house! Fab post, thanks for linking it up to #MarvMondays. Emily

  6. wendy says:

    Haha, I absolutely love this, this whole series is brilliant. My little boy is definitely heavily influenced by the Romans and also has a bit of the Tudours/Stewarts in him as well.

    Thank you so much for linking this up with #KCACOLS. Hope to see you again next Sunday x

  7. This “Records of the Toddler Ages are mostly limited to blurred photographs of the ever moving subject, ” is hilarious! I agree, they go where they want when they want, not caring if they have to trample anyone or anything. Pretty inspiring if I think about it!

    And the interrogation techniques, “WhY?” this is a brilliant form used to drive everyone crazy. I remember just making things up to finally end the madness! LOL

  8. I had a good old fashioned chortle to this, loving the fickle Tudor/Stuarts and yesterday’s favourites being divorced/beheaded/prodded! You’re spot on understanding a toddler is often akin to understanding latin. #Fridayfrolics

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