Toddler of all Trades

The Toddler has many jobs. She is a Jack of all trades. It would be mean to say a master of none, but she wears her stethoscope around her waist – you can draw your own conclusions.

Some of The Toddler’s numerous professions have been documented before. She has been a Planning Officer. (All constructions erected without The Toddler’s express prior approval are issued with an immediate cease and desist (‘you mustn’t do that, you naughty crocodile’) order, before being summarily demolished. With a plastic knife.) Then there was The Toddler’s secretive, unspecified work with computers/Toot Toot safari tracks. Doctor Toddler has, of course, made a number of appearances (once as a hairdresser). When the ‘childrens’ need her, Toddler Poppins makes an appearance as a nanny (with broomstick/umbrella and doctor’s kit/carpet bag). And we cannot forget The Toddler’s brief stint as a despot.

However, The Toddler has further feathers to her bow. Here are just a few.

Mr Maker/Tony Hart/Blue Peter
The Toddler is playing with play doh. Silly Mummy has been showing her how to make snails. The Toddler has one snail Silly Mummy made and one snail she made. It is time for a rather odd tutorial. Very authoritatively, The Toddler announces: ‘Now, what we’re going to do is squish them. Like this.’ Of course we are. The Toddler now has two play doh snails joined together in the middle. Basically, she has conjoined play doh snail twins. To Silly Mummy’s disappointment, she does not proceed to take out conjoined play doh snail twins she made earlier and attach them to a fairy liquid bottle with double sided tape. She does, however, offer her encouragement to her Silly audience (who have not actually participated in the activity, due to not having any play doh snails because The Toddler has them all). Nonetheless, The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to believe in her ability to not make conjoined play doh snail twins. She enthusiastically informs Silly Mummy: ‘You did very well.’

Suffragette
The Toddler is an enthusiastic member of the Suffragette movement, thanks to Mary Poppins. Sister Suffragette is her current favourite song. The Toddler marches purposefully; laments that men, as a group, are rather stupid; and takes heart that Mrs Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again. The Toddler likes to sing her Suffragette song as her bedtime lullaby. She likes to affirm that she is not a meek and mild subservient, and will be fighting for her rights militantly from the comfort of her bed. Silly Mummy does not like to tell The Toddler that women gained suffrage some time ago. Still, perhaps The Toddler is fighting for votes for toddlers, who are, after all, a woefully neglected political resource.

Engineer
The Toddler has a musical book of Row Your Boat. The music button is starting to play up and often does not work. It is broken again. The Toddler grabs her broomstick: ‘I’m using broomstick to fix book!’ Just as Silly Mummy starts to explain that this will not work, The Toddler whacks the button with the handle of her broomstick and the book obediently starts playing its song. Silly Mummy stands corrected. Isambard Toddler Brunel knows exactly what she is doing.

Warlord
The Toddler is watching Nanny McPhee and The Big Bang. When the boys go to the War Office, The Toddler asks, ‘Where are they?’ Upon Silly Mummy explaining about the War Office, The Toddler nods wisely: ‘I want to do a war. I can do a war.’

Doctor (again)
After briefly changing career to be a hairdresser, Doctor Toddler has decided to give medicine another go. She seems to have had extra training, and has honed her diagnostic skills. She approaches Silly Mummy with her stethoscope: ‘Take a deep breath.’ The Toddler listens to Silly Mummy’s chest. Sometimes Toddler Doctors have to deliver upsetting news. The Toddler does not like to sugar coat it: ‘Hmm, think it’s a bit boring.’ Fortunately, there is a cure. The Toddler brings her syringe: ‘Make it better.’ Having removed the boring infection with a syringe, The Toddler decides she had better check it has not spread: ‘Can I check your ear?’ Inevitably, Doctor Toddler is now waving a reflex hammer. She takes hold of Silly Mummy’s leg, and asks, ‘Where’s your leg? I can’t see it!’ Silly Mummy decides she is going to have to ask to see The Toddler’s medical qualifications. Having located the elusive leg, The Toddler notices Silly Mummy has a bruise: ‘Oh no, bit bang.’ The Toddler whacks the bruise with the hammer: ‘Is that ok? Now, where’s temperature?’ Silly Mummy is really going to have to insist on seeing those qualifications. It should be noted that Doctor Toddler, in compliance with best practice, wears her stethoscope around her waist at all times.

Chef
Chef Toddler is playing with the remnants of her dinner. Like all good chefs, she knows that with a bit of attitude you can (over)charge diners for anything. She turns to Silly Daddy, points at her leftovers, and confidently declares, ‘That’s £5 for you.’ Of course, Silly Daddy is paying for Chef Toddler’s expertise and finesse in preparing her leftover mush: ‘I’ll just mix it round. Is that all right for you?’ The Toddler feels she has nailed being a gourmet chef. She has got the requisite temper tantrums down to a fine art, too.

24 comments

  1. Lady Nym says:

    Baby Bear also wears stethoscopes and headphones round his waist, much to my amusement. I’m glad to hear your boring infection has cleared up but sorry about your missing leg… When Tyger was a doctor he spent a lot of time ordering the nurse (Baby Bear) to go and get him money. The nurse spent most of his time trying to climb on the table. I think they both got their qualifications at the same dodgy place as the Toddler!

  2. Ahhh… I love reading about The Toddler. She is truly a credit to the toddler-race. So gorgeous that she has joined the suffragette movement. With that and the war-mongering, the overlords of the patriarchy must be quaking in their boots 🙂 #abitofeverything

  3. I’ve said it before but I maintain that The Toddler is a genius and is all set for world domination. Sorry but I had to laugh at her cure for your bruise (whack it with a hammer)? Owch. Hope you’re on the mend! X #bestandworst

  4. I loved this. Suffragette! Girl after my own heart. Sorry to hear that you have a boring infection but I did laugh at her banging your bruise and asking if it was better! And Nanny McPhee 2 is very close to my heart. Love that film. Thanks for linking to #BabyBrainMonday

  5. El says:

    LOL…You know I love your posts and your writing. The Toddler is of course, a star in the making. It’s wise to have the stethoscope around her waist, it keeps her neck free for jewellery, silly Mummy, indeed. Hope to see you again at #abitofeverything

  6. Toddler is definitely multi-talented. Are you sure she’s not a spy? She seems to transform her identity at will and throws herself into the role quite well.

    Lol, I think I will wait for her chef talents to develop a bit more. Left-overs are not quite my thing!

  7. Aww I love it when they use their imaginations so much that they are just fascinating in everything they do. She sounds wonderful, even when she’s coming at you with a stethoscope and charging you for dinner! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  8. Haha! She is a busy Toddler! Warlord or Sufragette sound good to me.
    Your post has made me giggle because me and your Toddler are very alike. How? Well, I’m now a Communications & Events Officer in my voluntary work and the Officer bit has made me lapse into “Evening All” and “Officer J on the case” (whilst bending my knees) very silly but it gets me through the day!
    Thanks for linking up with #SSAmazingAchievements

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