Twenty Seventeen (a Dystopian Tale)

donald-trump-1269282_1920I’ve had an idea for a book*. It’s a great idea. Nobody has better book ideas than me. All of the other books are overrated. I will write a great, great book. And I will make Mexico pay for that book.**

Plot Summary

The year is 2017. Wilbert Jones lives in the superstate of Trumpia. The superstate is dictated by a political regime referred to as ‘Altright’ in the government’s invented language, Fakenewspeak. Trumpia is controlled by a privileged elite, known as The Billionaire Party. Any thinking at all is punished as a ‘thoughtcrime’.

Trumpia was formed as a result of the Stupid Revolution, during which masses of the population decided to rebel against nothing very much in the most illogical manner possible, based on a belief in the most ridiculous lies imaginable. Significant sectors of society, furious at having a better standard of living and more rights than before, were convinced that they should no longer stand for this nonsense and demanded a return to ‘greatness’ (a word which here means ‘poverty, oppression and racism’). Meanwhile, rich, white males felt compelled to rebel against being the world’s most powerful group by demanding more power. Following The Stupid Revolution, The Billionaire Party was apparently in control of Trumpia. No one is quite sure how this happened.

The Party leader, Bigly Hand Brother, enjoys a cult of (narcissistic) personality, and inexplicably refers to himself only in the third person. Bigly Hand Brother is much loved, mostly by himself, and receives great praise and thanks, again, mostly from himself. Some people believe that Bigly Hand Brother does not really exist. He may have been created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Or be Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest persona. Bigly Hand Brother and The Billionaire Party are interested only in their own power. They have no interest in the well-being of the citizens of Trumpia.

Trumpia has four ministries. The Ministry of #AlternativeFacts rewrites history, deletes tweets, burns tax records and lies through its teeth. The Ministry of You Can Do Anything deals with equality and women’s rights. The Ministry of Greatness is responsible for cutting healthcare, birth control and tax for the rich, and destroying trade agreements, all in the best interests of well-being and prosperity for the normal man. The Ministry of White Supremacy has responsibility for construction (walls), supply (white sheets with eye holes), and the military (goose-stepping and salutes). The Ministry of the NRA is concerned with production (more guns).

A secret underground organisation, known as ‘The Women’, intends to destroy The Party. Bigly Hand Brother has declared The Women to be ‘big, fat pigs’. Instructions have been issued that any person found to be a member of The Women may be grabbed.

There are two other superstates: Europeanunionia and Russia***. There is a state of perpetual, unwinnable war between the superstates. Trumpia is at war with Europeunionia. Trumpia is friends with Russia. Trumpia has always been friends with Russia. A populace familiar with ‘Nothink’ seems to have accepted this, though it is not true. In fact, Trumpia, back in the days before the Stupid Revolution when it was known as ‘America’, was once an ally of Europeunionia, and at war with Russia. The new alliance began during ‘Hate Month’ in November 2016. A month Bigly Hand Brother dedicated to stirring up hatred of everything, except Russia. Brainwashed citizens now repeat the phrase ‘we’ve always been at war with Europeanunionia’. They have been told by the Party that the war is over Europeanunionia’s resettlement of some refugees (although this really isn’t any of Trumpia’s business) and, rather improbably, Europeunionia’s production of much better cars than Trumpia.

Whilst the Billionaire Party live in gold plated luxury, the standard of living for the majority of the population is intentionally kept low. The unwinnable war and breaking of trade agreements assist with this, along with the work of the Ministry of Greatness. The citizens of Trumpia are kept under constant surveillance. By Russia mostly.

Wilbert Jones works in the Ministry of #AlternativeFacts, censoring reality. He erases ‘overrated’ people, and creates crowds of people attending inaugurations. It is Wilbert’s job to ensure all figures, including those relating to hand size, are greatly exaggerated. References to debts owed to Russia, misspelt tweets, rape allegations and the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution are all eliminated by Wilbert and his colleagues in the Ministry.

Wilbert attempts to resist the Billionaire Party and sets up an alternative twitter account (@altwilbert).**** However, after being tricked by someone he believed to be an agent of The Women, who was really working for The Party, he is captured by the ‘Nothought Police’. He is ultimately waterboarded into submission. Bigly Hand Brother likes waterboarding.*****

Terminology of Trumpia

‘Nothink’ is the principle of accepting and repeating any claim – no matter how ludicrous, immoral, contradictory or blatantly untrue – without giving it a second thought, or subjecting it to any level of analysis, critical thinking or fact-checking.

‘Thoughtcrime’ refers to engaging in any rational thought at all. It is punished by the ‘Nothought Police’. Twitter is monitored to detect any citizens engaging in thinking. Bigly Hand Brother personally deals with twitter related thoughtcrime.

Fakenewspeak is a language invented by Bigly Hand Brother and The Party. It consists of a combination of nonsense words, misspelt words, and real words used in a ridiculous manner. Many have suspected that Fakenewspeak is a product of utter stupidity and inability to use the original language of America correctly. Bigly Hand Brother has refuted this claim, stating that: ‘Fakenewspeak is a great, great language – nobody makes up languages better than me, believe me.’

What do you think? Great book idea, right? I can’t shake the feeling that it is somehow familiar, though…******


(*I haven’t.

**All based on Trump quotes, just in case anyone thinks I’ve lost the plot.

***Conveniently didn’t even need adjusting – already ended in ‘ia’.

****Do check out the rogue twitter accounts apparently set up by employees of various US agencies that have had their official accounts gagged by the Trump administration. Let’s hope they’re real.

*****And other *ahem* ‘water’ based activities.

******It is familiar. It’s based on Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, of course.)

‘There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always – do not forget this – always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.’

– George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four


  1. Emma says:

    Genius as always. There was a really interesting discussion on the radio about Trump and how it is 1984. It was quite depressing listening to it. The outcomes was that we all need to do something now, we all need to keep shouting or we are all doomed! It’s like the Hunger Games too. Trump reminds me of President Snow. I wrote a post this week in which I said that I had to try and be a Trump optimist. I was really trying and then an hour later he opened his mouth again…. #FridayFrolics

  2. Helen says:

    It’s true though that’s the thing! I’d love it if this whole time we’re all losing our minds then one day Sacha BC whips off his mask and it was all a joke (like a funny joke, not the unfunny kind of is now!) #FridayFrolics

    • Jennifer says:

      Right up until Inauguration, I kept thinking it was a big joke. It’s so absurd that it has to be a joke…..right? Sigh. It’s not and SBC is not going to save us.

  3. Jo Sandelson says:

    Brilliant though terrifying. We’ve all had it cushy for too long in this country. Democracy-wise of course. Easy to forget what it’s like living in countries where to be a dissenting voice risks death or disappearance.
    Love the Bigly Hand Brother and the Fakenewspeak. I’d buy the book buy have already seen the video. I mean the news.
    Jo x #FridayFrolics

  4. Super Brilliant! love the terminology thoughtcrime and fakenewspeak! And what is that annoying thing he does with his hand – like an ‘O’ shape with his fingers, is he unconsciously telling us all he’s an as*hole? In scuba diving sign language it’s kinda like the ‘ok’ sign but we all know nothing that he says is OK! #fridayfrolics

    • Jennifer says:

      I love that comment about the O shape. I think that O shape and the fact that he circles his hands around while he’s doing it do indicate the “a$$hole” is taking flight.

  5. Gary Mathews says:

    Quite humorous :), for the most part nothing to argue with. As an American who hated both candidates, this never happens if anybody not named Clinton was on the ballot. She got lazy and he out worked her in states she thought she had wrapped up. The baggage between both candidates would shut down every baggage claim check in the world.!

    • Doug says:

      There’s the rub… the worst possible candidates, corrupt Hillary with all the political experience but an unsavoury record, a bad choice for first female president; or devious Donald with no political experience whatsoever, the mind of a grizzly bear, and the ego of a demagogue. How in hell did those two end up being the leading candidates!!? What a tough choice for the American electorate. Those too disillusioned to vote at all and those too dumb to know any better put the worst into office. This Orwellian world is happening right now, and will rapidly get worse every day trump is in the hot seat. He will surely be impeached or ousted eventually and hopefully more resonsible sensible and humanitarian government might be restored before too much harm is done. But two things for sure; the USA needs root-and-branch reform of its political and education systems!

  6. Maria says:

    This is genius. Although I am still in denial about Trump. Someone wake me up when the nightmare is over!

    Thank you for linking up to #KCACOLS and I hope to see you back again on Sunday x

  7. Fabulous book idea, you should finish it and certainly demand that Mexico pay for it! I feel a little concerned that this may not be a Dystopian fiction but rather a biography of 2017.
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

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