It’s week four and The Toddler is still talking nonsense.
Here she is:
1. On herself, being a pickle
The Toddler is being a bit naughty. She knows it. She announces, ‘Pickle, The Toddler. The Toddler is a pickle.’ Because sometimes it is just easier to tell yourself off.
2. On Daddy, passing blame to
The Toddler needs a nappy change. Silly Mummy says, ‘Somebody is a stinky bum. Who might that be?’
The Toddler knows this one: ‘Daddy!’
3. On emus, hitting them with a hammer*
(*For anyone immediately concerned about animal rights, she doesn’t mean emus. No emus have been harmed in the making of this list.)
The Toddler is playing with her new doctor’s kit. Silly Mummy is explaining the purpose of the little hammer to her: ‘You take it like this, hit your knee here, and your knee moves.’
The Toddler nods wisely, ‘Yes – your emus.’
4. On ambiguous pronunciation
Now, what The Toddler actually said here is not particularly funny. Once Silly Mummy realised what that was. The Toddler is in the park. She is walking along one of the climbing frames with Silly Mummy’s help. She says, ‘Be careful bits.’ Um, excuse me? What did she just call Silly Mummy? Where did she even learn that? Silly Mummy is just working out how to address this issue when The Toddler continues, ‘Bit careful.’ Oh right: she said ‘bits’! The Toddler is referring to how much careful there should be. She is not referring to Silly Mummy.
5. On herself, how long she will wait
The Toddler, The Baby and Silly Mummy have just returned home. The Toddler asks to get out of the pushchair. Silly Mummy explains that she needs to take the heavy shopping bags off the pushchair handle before she takes The Toddler and The Baby out, or the chair will tip over. The Toddler considers this information. ‘Okay, The Toddler will wait five minutes.’ Can’t say fairer than that.
6. On herself, stinky
Silly Mummy is changing The Toddler’s dirty nappy. The Baby is trying to stick her hand in it. Silly Mummy says, ‘No, darling, don’t do that.’
The Toddler chimes in, ‘No, darling, not do. The Toddler is stinky.’
7. On Daddy’s phone, being exasperatingly noisy
Silly Mummy enters the room. The Toddler is looking a little irritated. She points at a shelf: ‘Mummy, Daddy’s phone. Up there. Beeping! Beeping away!’
8. On pigeons, not very friendly
The Toddler sees a pigeon. She wants to be friends. Of course she does. We are standing next to an aviary containing parakeets, doves, ducks, peacocks and canaries. The Toddler loves the pigeon on the pavement. To indicate to the pigeon her wish to be friends, The Toddler runs at it yelling, ‘Bird! Tweet tweet!’ The pigeon considers The Toddler’s invitation. It flies away. The Toddler stops in her tracks: ‘Oh, where did he go?’
9. On The Baby, keeping her informed
The cat has been sick. Silly Mummy is cleaning it up. The Toddler is performing the important task of keeping The Baby abreast of the situation. ‘The Baby, cat was sick. Cat was sick, The Baby. The Baby, cat sick.’ The baby is doing an excellent impression of someone who didn’t ask and doesn’t care.
10. On Mummy, not dancing
The Toddler is dancing (to the Justin’s House theme, which she is also singing: ‘Justin’s house, doopy, doopy, doopy, doopy…’). Silly Mummy is in the mood for a spot of dancing. Silly Mummy joins in. All her best moves. The Toddler stops. The Toddler turns her most disparaging look on Silly Mummy: ‘No, Mummy, not dancing, Mummy.’
‘Mummy, no! Sit down, Mummy!’
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me