You’re a Good Winner: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, and The Toddler wants to eat Christmas trees but not The Baby’s bum.

Taking a brief break from meal planning, here she is:

1. On being a winner
The Toddler has taken up Rocky style encouragement: ‘Go on, Mummy, you can do it! You’re a good winner!’ The activity The Toddler is encouraging so enthusiastically? Getting her a biscuit.

2. On pandas, hers
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting in the queue at the Post Office. The Toddler has become inexplicably paranoid that other customers want to steal her top, which has pandas on it. She is occupying her time pointing at her top and informing various strangers in the queue: ‘This is not your panda. My panda!’

3. On herself, needing to get cracking
The Baby is wandering around the living room with her bag. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can you help The Baby to put things in her bag?’
The Toddler looks up: ‘No, I can’t. I need to get cracking.’
Silly Mummy did not know The Toddler had plans: ‘Have you got things to do?’
‘Yes, I do.’

4. On talking, never stopping
The Toddler is chattering away, mostly to herself, when she announces, ‘I’ll never stop talking.’ Silly Mummy thinks this sounds like a threat.

5. On Grandma, very clever
Grandma is visiting. Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are going for a walk. Grandma has mentioned that she will just go and get her coat from the car. Later, walking past the car, The Toddler is very insistent that Grandma has to get something from it. Silly Mummy and Grandma assure The Toddler that Grandma already got what she needed. The Toddler is suitably impressed: ‘Oh, very clever, Grandma. Good girl.’

6. On mishearing requests
The Toddler is making demands. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t be demanding.’ The Toddler is confident she is able to comply with Silly Mummy’s request, mostly because she misheard it: ‘Sorry, Mum. I’m not doing mountain.’

7. On Christmas trees
The Toddler was 19 months old last Christmas. She appears to have remembered certain aspects of it. The fact that there were chocolates around, mostly. Whenever she hears mention of Christmas she starts talking about chocolates and the lights. Silly Mummy asks her if she remembers the Christmas tree. The Toddler nods: ‘Christmas tree, yes…can I eat it?’ Silly Mummy thinks The Toddler possibly does not remember the Christmas tree. She may be thinking of something else. The Toddler continues: ‘Need to blow it first. Need to blow candles.’ Definitely thinking of something else. Birthday cakes, it appears.

8. On both of herself
The Toddler and The Baby are being naughty. Silly Mummy says, ‘Can both of you stop doing that, please.’ The Toddler becomes concerned about how many of her are being naughty. To be safe, she confirms, ‘Yes, both of me stop.’

9. On babies, why they cry
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are walking along the road. In the distance, a baby can be heard crying inside a house. The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noise?’ Silly Mummy informs her it is a baby crying in one of the houses. Despite not knowing what the noise was seconds before, The Toddler is suddenly remarkably well informed on the subject of the the crying baby: ‘Oh, it doesn’t like having those hiccups.’

10. On The Baby, not eating her bum
Silly Mummy is changing The Baby’s nappy. The Toddler is providing the following commentary, a strong contender for this year’s prestigious It Goes Without Saying, Thank You, The Toddler Award: ‘We don’t eat The Baby’s bum. Can we not eat The Baby’s bum. We don’t eat The Baby’s stinky poo.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock

25 comments

  1. “Christmas tree…. yes, can I eat it?” Hilarious! I so look forward to reading your posts as they always make me giggle. You have such a way with words (as of course, does The Toddler!) Love it as always. #bestandworst x

  2. Hehe!! The Toddler sounds like a real character! So funny and well written! Mine has come out with a few gems this week! To his little brother: ‘You’re not coming to the park with us because you are a terrorist.’ And to me: ‘mummy, is my other name Jesus Christ?’ Apparently when I thought I was saying it under my breath, his supersonic toddler hearing could hear me, because he thought it was his name as I say it ‘all the time’…!!!!!

  3. Mim says:

    Ha ha The Toddler – do NOT under any circumstances allow anyone to eat the Baby’s stinky poo! I love her interaction with Grandma, I can just imagine Grandma rolling her eyes like “ok The Toddler, if you say so!” ha ha! Love love love – thank you so much for linking up to #ParentingPicks Mim x

  4. Bek says:

    These are lovely. It is funny what little ones come out with. I like the good girl, Grandma one. My daughter has done this before. So funny! Yuck to baby’s stinky poo! #ParentingPicks

  5. Mrs Tubbs says:

    You’re good until she learns to read then you’re going to have to negotiate some kind of rate per mention. The Tubblet is already trying for a pocket money increase for “providing material for mummy’s blog”. £1 per agreed mention and a £5 for an unagreed one was her last suggestion!

  6. helen gandy says:

    Oh they do make me laugh the things they come out with, haha!! My son told me the other day that he was just too busy! Ha. Thanks for linking up to the #bestandworstsee you next week! X

  7. These did make me laugh! It’s funny hearing our phrases being spoken by a toddler isn’t it. My 4 year old answers the phone if i know its her Nan or Aunt ringing and the first she she says is ‘hello i’m fine thanks’ before they have had a chance to talk haha! #ParentingPicks

  8. I think I really like No. 1. I think I have learned from the toddler. I’m doing it all wrong. I need to ask for something, anything, from anyone, anywhere. Whatever I want and then encourage them relentlessly for doing whatever I asked. How can they not do what I ask if I am encouraging them the whole time. I think they have to do it, right? How about “Sir, go get me a big bag of money.” When he looks at me like I’m crazy I need to be his biggest cheerleader…”You can do it! I know you can!” “Be determined.” “You’re the best!”

    Do you think it will work? If so, the toddler needs to put a patent on that idea!

  9. Lady Nym says:

    I love the fact she confused Christmas trees with birthday cakes. So funny. Tyger often gives encouragement and praises me for various tasks, too. Earlier it was my ability to pick up sticks from the ground (we were collecting kindling for the fire). He may have been so impressed because – despite literally being completely surrounded by them – he was apparently unable to locate any sticks.

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